China-Cola and Other Eastern Delicacies

2007-02-11T03:52:00.000-05:00

So I decided to revisit my old blog today and much to my surprise, my account had not one, but two blogs listed in its possession. Reed the Viking is the obvious one, but the other, “Search for Truth” was something that even I had forgotten. I clicked on it to see what it was about and read all six posts, which jogged my memory pretty quickly. What I had done was made a blog where I pretended to be a Russian immigrant full of conspiracy theories. I am so fucking weird, that shit even creeped me out. I read over some of the old Viking posts and damn, I was an inappropriate (and funny) little bastard. I still am, but I used to be too (Mitch Hedberg reference for those who care).

I have decided to start up the blogging again, but who knows what it’ll be like this time around. I used to love dead babies and abortions way more when I was a younger dude, but I’ll try to incorporate those themes into my writings as much as I can now. For old time’s sake, this post will have a list or I’ll eat a dead baby (there you go, happy?). Who the hell am I talking to when I write this crap anyway? I just said, “there you go, happy?” but whom am I talking to? I’m talking to you, the reader, I guess, but that’s too simple an answer. I’m talking to Forrest Miller! If you’re reading this Forrie, know that you’re the man, and when I talk in my blog posts, it’s for you.

Things That Amuse Me

1. Fart jokes (but not farts, unless they’re mine or really loud and funny).

2. Naked women (not including fat bitches because I don’t consider them human, or amusing… unless I’m drunk, ain’t that right boys! Drunken Reed might take home a few whales every now and again but who doesn’t? I’ve always liked the whale at the Museum of Natural History but I digress.)

3. The Whale at the Museum of Natural History. I’ve always loved that whale.

4. Dinosaurs, laser beams, Vikings, robots, and ninja’s, preferably combined.

5. That kid down the hall from me who goes to take showers wearing a full sweat suit and no flip-flips. Gross, but funny nonetheless.

6. Lip Sync 2006.

7. Drunk people.

8. The Desert. I love the Desert.

10. Dessert. Especially desserts named after famous dictators (Polpot being my favorite dish).

11. Skipping the number 9. I only do this because I hate “Revolution 9” on the second disk of the Beatles’ White Album. Only Beatles track I don’t like.

12. The World of Warcraft episode of Southpark. As an avid fan of the game, the episode rang way too true.

13. The Twilight Zone. I love the Twilight Zone.

14. Prosciutto and fresh Mozzarella. I also get amused by the way Frankie Imburgio says Mozzarella. He’s from Staten Island and he lives on my floor. He amuses me too, no homo.

15. Going back to old things and ideas. This was one of them; I decided today to re-visit my blog and to upload Lip Sync 2006 to the internet. I also decided that I still want to be in a band and that I’m going to learn how to play guitar (I’ll do rhythm guitar and vocals, or saxophone).

To speak about this band idea, I really do want to start a band. I want to play a variety of things from classic rock n’ roll to blues to jam band stuff to country rock and cosmic American music with influences like Gram Parsons, The Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, The Velvet Underground, Led Zeppelin and the other old stuff. I recently saw Almost Famous and it made me really want to be a part of rock n’ roll. Rock n’ roll seems pretty dead to me right now, and many of the great bands are lost and the music scene seems taken over by commercial bullshit. Of course, there’s an underground scene but it ain’t huge (or particularly good) or cool these days like it used to be. I want a second coming, a second musical revolution. Maybe I’m just not a part of the scene, and it just evades me, or maybe I need to find some people who agree with me and really love music and are passionate (John Cusack in High Fidelity anybody?) and we’ll bring it back.

The hippie-era wasn’t about politics; it was about getting fucked up and listening to kickass music. Yeah, they preached a lot, but in the end it was just about sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, not some noble cause. Sure, some were activists, but most people were just down to party. It was a fad. Protests were probably so much fun, I wish every day that there was something for me and my friends to all get mad about so we could be destructive. Politics were just an excuse to be immoral and crazy. That was pop culture in the 60’s. Today pop culture is shit, in my opinion. Sure, it can be fun to grind some random butt into your dick while listening to, “My fo’ fo’ makes all the ho’ ho’s reco’nize and all dem niggaz be sweatin my shit ima pimp look at my money bitch,” but it’s so depraved. At least back then, they had good music (and while some crap that they put out today is fun to listen to, the music isn’t as complex or thought out or good as it used to be) and an ethos. And they had Firesign Theater. I guess practically, Firesign Theater just wouldn’t sell today, but it’s a damn shame.

Well I guess this post got serious, which is lame. I’ve got to let go of my hopes that the 60’s will return again and I need to realize that I’ll never live my dad’s college years, even if I do go to the same school he did. I probably get laid way more than him anyway :-P (I know you read this Dad, so take that!).

2004-11-30T22:28:00.000-05:00

Blog done. Over. Fini!

2004-11-25T23:29:00.000-05:00

This entry started as a comment on another person's blog, but then I decided to make it into an actual entry and elaborate on things.

Thanksgiving is important, because it's a day to remember our good relations with them filthy redskins before we massacred them for their heathenism. Blasphemous Injun's with their feathers, corn, pagan rituals, magical plasma beams and their alcohol. Good riddance we set them straight! I don't much like the food, but I like taking the drumstick of the turkey and gnawing on it at the table. Then I pretend I'm a vassal and I call for my serving wench (aka mother) to bring me my mead! That makes thanksgiving fun, and it makes the relatives think you're a psycho! AND NOW, LIST TIME!!!!

Things Reed is thankful for:
1. Boobies... I thank God (if there is one... just kidding, of course there is one, don't smite me lord, I believe in you!) for them every day.
2. Video games. Heck yes!
3. I thank God for me... if I wasn't created, this world would be at least 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
times more shitty.
4. By the way, that last number is an exact number, not an approximation. That is exactly how much worse the world would be without me in it.
5. I am thankful for YYYFred Savage YYY
6. I am thankful for Hercules the Legendary Journeys, and Kevin Sorbo.
7. I am thankful for China Cola, the ghetto-est soft drink I've ever seen.
8. I am thankful that Helen Hunt hasn't been in any movies lately. If I had to put up with her any more I think I might get an aneurism and die.
9. I am not thankful that Saved by the Bell was cancelled.
10. I am thankful that "I'm with Busey" was cancelled. What a terrible idea. What a terrible show. Comedy Central, what were you thinking?
11. I am thankful that Communist nations arn't super powers.
12. I am thankful for the United States of America! FUCK YEAH!
13. I am thankful for good movies.
14. I am thankful for being me... did I say that yet? Kinda, but not really.
15. I am thankful for Chutes and Ladders
16. I am not thankful for motherfucking Rubik's cube. I hope Rubik dies painfully!
17. I am thankful for Vikings.

Amen!

And now a story from my job at the elementary school. So my co-worker/boss person Bridget is pushing this first grade girl on the tire swing. The little girl says to Bridget, "Guess what my mommy once did." Bridget responded, "What?" The girl cracks a huge smile and goes "My mommy once licked my daddy's penis." Bridget at this point had no idea what the hell to say to this little first grade girl. Bridget walks up to me and she tells me, and she looks soooooooo shocked and I started cracking up, cause it's this little first grade girl! Bridget said that she responded to the girl by ignoring the comment completely and she said, "Want to go fast or spinny on the swing" and she walked away. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. Well I'm tired so goodnight.

2004-11-24T15:37:00.000-05:00

Time for me to write something good... Nope not today!

JUST KIDDING!!!!!

I'll write something good... was there anything funny that happened today? No... y'all know what that means? Time for Reed the Viking's special game: Make shit up!!!!

1. Susan Sarandon came down with AOD, short for Anal-Olecranon Dissociation. AOD is a rare disease in which the person who contracts it is mentally disabled and cannot tell the difference between their ass and their elbow... I only wish she had AIDS instead. I'm kidding AIDS is not something you make a joke out of, that's wrong in every way. You should never wish AIDS upon anybody. Which is why I retract the previous statement so it now says "I only wish she had Ebola instead." I mean come on, Ebola is funny ALL THE TIME!

Haha... ok nevermind I don't want to make up anything else today. That was good! I will however admit to being a big dork/geek/nerd and that I downloaded all the songs we play in band at school... and I listen to them all the time at home, right after I listen to all 3.5 hours of the Lord of the Rings Original Soundtrack. I know, I'm a geek. By the way, my favorite song is "Jupiter" it's the fourth movement of Gustav Holst's "The Planets" composition.

Macbeth is the sickest thing I've ever had to read for English class. I love that book/play so much. The movie is even cooler! It's such an evil play, I mean Macbeth was a total badass. Also, they all had sweet names, especially Macduff and Donalbain and ANGUS! It's such an awesome play! I mean, it's so evil! I love it! The Roman Polanski movie of Macbeth is so sweet, it's all bloody and shit and everybody dies. Then there's this scene that is definitely an acid trip, and a knight in armor does the "Robot" dance and it's like a hip-hop video it's mad funny.

Now it's thanksgiving weekend and that means no school from thursday-monday! That means (DAD DON'T READ THIS) I gotta get drunk and fuck mad bitches...

Just kidding dad, I would never do anything you wouldn't approve of... (I'm assuming you approve of sex and liquor? K good!)

Just kidding again Dad, if you're reading this, I'm a good boy, I promise!

Seriously.

:-D

Here is one of my favorite Penny-Arcade comics.

It makes me laugh everytime! He he, exuberance. Anyway there is a new Twisp and Catsby on Penny-Arcade today, which is what prompted me to post this picture.

2004-11-21T23:50:00.000-05:00

I'm back from D.C. and I'm quickly updating before passing out.

LINKS:

Michael Moore's newest documentary about the problems of Middle Earth: Fellowship 9/11
I suggest every person watches this documentary, it will expose many of the lies of the Aragorn administration, and their illegitimate reasons to go to war. I'm not going to say any more about this now, watch the film and be educated.

Jewish Hey Ya song
Funniest parady of Outkast's "Hey Ya." Absolutely hilarious, the lyrics fit exactly into the song. These Jew's are genius... almost as genius as I am. In fact, forget them, don't go to this website because it's funny, and I'm the only funny website you're allowed to view. DON'T GO!!! TRAITORS!

2004-11-17T21:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, here's the news: I have started a new movie project; a flash movie that is. It's about Spaceman and Space Vikings. It will have digitally enhanced special effects! Explosions everywhere and laser beams and a sweet RATED-X SEX SCENE! I figure, Team America did it with puppets, I'll do it with a Space cartoon. HAHA. I actually wasn't going to have a sex scene, but now that I've mentioned it, it would be pretty hilarious. I dunno, the project is in the works, so it may or may not be there, I am not permitted to disclose such information to you ig'nant bastards.

Two posts ago, I posted about Model Congress and why you should all join. I received this comment from Jesus Christ (well, it says JC so I can only assume it's him or JUSTIN COHEN)

'That's the same reason Orin Hatch joined congress. The "dome from mad bitches"'
JC 11.17.04 - 9:02 pm

Funny guy Justin, funny guy.

2004-11-16T19:36:00.000-05:00

Everybody keeps telling me to post. You know what I say to that? Fuck you! You try having a blog and posting consistently with random shit. It's difficult. Well not really, but I'm lazy, you know? Let us see... anything to write about? My lunch monologue? Ok, so I'm making a misogynist speech about how women should be subordinate, and everybody was listening except for Nicole, who was eating her lunch. She was not paying attention to what I was talking about, which in the end proved to be hilarious. I started with:

"Women should not have the right to vote. Women should not be able to get their driver's licenses. Why not? Because Women are incapable of rational thought. When they get in the voting booths, I'm sure half of them vote for the candidate with the shiniest switch thing. That's why they can't drive, women are easily distracted by shiny things - ..."

At this point, Nicole looks up from her lunch, still has no clue that I'm saying women shouldn't have the right to vote and yells out, "I love shiny things" and squeels with glee. I don't think she realized that she proved my point; women get distracted by shiny things. That's why you can beat them up all you want, but as long as you buy them pretty things, they will never leave you.

Of course, it goes without saying that I'm only joking. Anyway, what else was funny today? Oh, in French class. Mrs. Frost was saying that classes in school arn't important unless they are essential to your goals in life. She said there is no point in taking Tech class if you don't want to ever use the skills involved in it. At least, that's what I think she was saying, but she said it all in French so I don't know; I don't speak French (even though I'm in French 5). Anyway, I get up and I go, "Mrs. Frost, I wanna be a Spaceman. NOT an Astronaut, a SPACEMAN!" and I got up and walked around in slow motion like low gravity and I made space sound effects. I'd have to say it was pretty ridiculous. It's hard to really explain it, so you'd have to ask me to do my Spaceman in person to really get the full experience.

It's time for another list, because list's are funny, and I havn't posted in a while so I figure it's time for me to say something funny, to be nice to my Reeders (har har, it gets me every time).

Things I'd like to do or see this week
1. Hmm... I'd really like to do Rogue from X-Men... her accent is sooooooooo dreamy
2. I'd like to see somebody die.
3. Ha, Ha, Ha... not really.
4. No but seriously, I'd really like to see somebody die.
5. No, I'm kidding. Everybody should live... except for ugly people... and communists.
6. I want to stage a deathmatch between Richard Gere and Keanu Reeves. To quote the AvP(Alien vs. Predator, duh!) tagline, "Whoever loses, we win!" well, it was opposite in AvP but it doesn't matter!
7. Well, we don't really win, since we still have to deal with the douchebag who wins the fight.
8. I'd like to get in a fight with somebody this week. Like a fistfight. With somebody I really hate. And I hope I win, but if I don't it gives me the excuse to burn down his house.
9. I'd do ANYTHING for a klondike bar.
10. I'd like to see steamy lesbian sex... Between Naomi Watts and Laura Harring.
11. This week I'd like to genetically re-create a full herd Wooly Mammoth (or as Zack, the Black Power Ranger called it, the MASTODON!). After the population of Mammoths reaches back to what it once was, before all the filthy redskins killed them off, I will hunt them to extinction again with a spear and a slingshot... Wouldn't that just be perfect? Bringing a species back from extinction so I can hunt them to extinction again. Brilliant plan Mr. Branson.
12. I'd like to genetically alter my dog so that he has super powered plasma beams coming out of his eyes, and maybe the mutation would improve his eyesight so he will stop running into the sliding glass doors.
13. I'd like to alter my own self, by removing my lower jaw and replacing it with a steel jaw. Then I will make electronic laser beam eyes, to match my dog. Then I will put a sweet motor on my shoes, that runs on the flesh of the dead and the stem cells of the fetus. SWEET DUDE!
14. I would also like to alter my - um... my wang. I'd like to make it smaller. It is such a burden, I have to staple it to my leg every day so that it fits in my pants. I ain't fair being so well endowed.
15. I would like to thank my parents, for the genes that have made me so totally awesome... and for giving me a big wang.

So that's it. 15 things for the week!

Oh wait, it's not time to go yet! I have to show my equation for life to the entire world. I might get mathematical awards for it. It's a brilliant equation that covers everything essential in the world. Let my start out by giving my variables.
let z = Quality of life... This is a dependant variable and it fluxuates based upon the other variables.
let x = videogame
let y = a food
let g = any girl.

z = g(dome) + xy

Basically, this said that quality of life is equal to a Girl multiplied by dome, plus the product of a food and a videogame. The better the food and video games are, the better your life is. The hotter the girl, the better your life. Dome is a constant pre-requisite for good living. G is a variable, because it can be any girl. If the girl is real hit, your quality of life is pretty shitty... There is my genius mathematical equation. God bless us all, especially me because I am most important.
-Viking [OUT]

UPDATE SUPREME: I'll take this time to repost my flash movies, for all who havn't seen them. They are classic! Here they are:

www.tfu.netfirms.com/ninjam.swf
www.tfu.netfirms.com/ninja2.swf
www.tfu.netfirms.com/childhood.swf
www.tfu.netfirms.com/sherazboris.swf

2004-11-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

Model Congress is fucking awesome. I suggest you all join the club now so you can go on the trip to UPENN in march. The trips are the best part, I just got back from Yale and it was a fun fucking time. Ooh-Rah! I met lots of cool folks and we (the four people who went besides me: Josephine (joe), I.L. (Ayal), Conswald (Connor), Angera) got Fox Lane a good pimpin' rep. We had like a fanclub and shit and we got an award. Join and you can share our glory and get dome from mad bitches!

2004-10-29T15:41:00.000-04:00

Today was the halloween parade and everybody dressed up. I dressed up as Ali G! I won (most original costume), thanks to myself, mad skillz, and fresh bling bling. I have cool photos! More to come but this is what I have so far.

Many people knew who he was, I was surprised at how many people knew who I was dressed up as. What was funnier is how I kept saying hello to people and they didn't recognize me and they'd stare and be like, "Oh shit, it's Reed!"

I hugged Meghan like four times today and each time she didn't know who I was at first. She'd be like, "Who are you and why are you hugging me?" Then she'd realize it was me and gimme ~~mad dome~~ a hug.

2004-10-26T19:54:00.000-04:00

The worst and saddest day ever today:

1. DMV.. I leave school at twelve to get my permit. Woops, I left my passport and SSC at home.
2. Home, get passport and drive to Brewster.
3. Oh Brewster DMV needs to make appointments for permit tests.
4. Next appointment is at the end of november.
5. Drive to Peekskill DMV, millions of miles away.
6. Ok, this is cool, making progress... what's this? My SSC and Passport don't match? Why not? One says "Reed Michael Branson" and the other says "Reed Branson."
7. They just let me go anyway and I get out of there.

The worst day ever because of other personal reasons.

At least I got my permit... The only good thing about today was that I acheived my 10,000th hit. I said on my birthday that I would stop posting until I reached 10,000. Well, I never said it, but I thought it. Now I have reached it and can post again. Happy 10,000th Reed.

2004-10-16T08:42:00.000-04:00

Exactly 16 years ago, something very special happened. Lorraine Peabody Branson (That's not her middle name, but wouldn't that be funny?) went to the hospital with unrecognizable symptoms. For the past few months, she had no appetite, a large belly developing, and nausea. She had no clue what was wrong with her, and decided to go to the hospital after throwing herself down a staircase, smokin' a joint, and going on a drinking binge. She then fell on a clotheshanger (or so she told me), but I don't know what relevance that has to the story. At the hospital, they told her she had a malignant tumor in her womb, a living one that could conceivable take over the world one day. Rock on! It just so happens that the tumor was none other than Reed Branson! I was brought into this world 16 years ago to the day, and I had flippers, gills, and sharp teeth. Now the doctors said this might be due to my mom smoking a joint, drinking lots of hard liquor, and throwing herself down a staircase. Apparently, that clotheshanger had also messed me up, which explains my creepy fluorescent green eyes that glow in the dark, and the mucus I can excrete to keep warm in the winter.

My mom, in fact, did not try to abort me like the story above says, and I am very happy that she didn't abort me. If she had, you wouldn't be reading this website. Everybody send my mom a card in the mail thanking her for not aborting me, the greatest living malignant tumor in the world!

Today is my birthday. I like to think of it as Christmas in October. Hell yeah.

For my birthday, I request a link, and at least 500 hits. Get working on that folks!

Team America today... wooo woooooooooooo.

2004-10-12T21:52:00.000-04:00

Funny things that have happened today:

1. Nicole asked Ms. Lee for help on an essay, and I said "Just make it up, English isn't a real class, and it's not like Ms. Lee reads any of that shit." Ms. Lee was standing right next to me.

2. Ms. Lee told me to stop writing my essays under the influence because I signed my name on the essay something along the lines of "Reed Tanaka Hitokiri Bjork Svenson O'Reilly the Third."

3. I called Mr. Broggy "dude" in class and he got all angry and yelled "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" and I was like, "umm... I mean - er. Sorry, sir?" and he was like, "I'm just messin' but didn't I scare ya?" and it was hilarious. He scared the shit out of me, not gonna lie.

4. AIM Conversations:

Me & Angela:
RoElGiOx (9:27:27 PM): pangera
RoElGiOx (9:27:38 PM): prease, prease, herp me
Pange17 (9:27:42 PM): Haha
Pange17 (9:27:43 PM): yes reed?
RoElGiOx (9:27:55 PM): I need yaw herp.
RoElGiOx (9:28:15 PM): I cahn' stop tarkin rike an asian woman
Pange17 (9:28:19 PM): aahahhahahhaha
Pange17 (9:35:13 PM): i dont know i am sssorry
RoElGiOx (9:36:09 PM): god... there are no uses for some people
RoElGiOx (9:36:16 PM): you can't even help me with such a simple task
Pange17 (9:36:29 PM): haha i am sorry!i dont know the jurisdiction of talking like asian women.
RoElGiOx (9:36:31 PM): you oxygen theif!!! waste of space!!
Pange17 (9:36:40 PM): i know about education and workforce
Pange17 (9:36:48 PM): that is a good one i must employ that at once
RoElGiOx (9:36:49 PM): you were nothing but a mistake!!!! I bet your parents lost a bet with god!
RoElGiOx (9:37:24 PM): brb need to beat up an orphan
RoElGiOx (9:42:21 PM): back
RoElGiOx (9:42:42 PM): but I seek no more reason to talk to a piece of human excrement such as yourself
RoElGiOx (9:43:20 PM): goodbye, you pile of human jetsam, refuse of our cultureRoElGiOx (9:44:38 PM): arn't I so nice
Pange17 (9:45:06 PM): extreeemely
RoElGiOx (9:45:53 PM): just my natural charm, mrs. pistaccio
RoElGiOx (9:46:05 PM): capische? you're italian so you better know what I mean
Pange17 (9:46:10 PM): hahahahahaha
Pange17 (9:46:16 PM): reed you are too hysterical
RoElGiOx (9:47:17 PM): hahaha, why thank you my humble subserviant bolus eater, I miss having class with plebians like you...
Pange17 (9:49:07 PM): i have much of herman melville to read
Pange17 (9:49:12 PM): and a bill on bilingual education to write
RoElGiOx (9:49:16 PM): hahah
Pange17 (9:49:16 PM): we shall chat tomorrow
RoElGiOx (9:49:20 PM): herman melville eats pubes
Pange17 (9:49:22 PM): ahhaha
RoElGiOx (9:49:30 PM): peace pangy-cakes
Pange17 (9:50:00 PM): ahah bye reed

Conversation with Greg:
P sIbErDoGG (9:55:55 PM): that was on purpose
P sIbErDoGG (9:55:59 PM): posada should charge the mound
RoElGiOx (9:56:19 PM): fuck I missed it did he get beamed?
P sIbErDoGG (9:56:29 PM): nah like a curveball hit his foot
P sIbErDoGG (9:56:31 PM): it was mad on purpose

haha, there were other fun but inappropriate parts of the conversation that can be paraphrased in one word... "Gay"... Really freakin' gay. Haha, Greg left a little excerpt of it on the comments of my last entry.

2004-10-07T18:34:00.000-04:00

Team America: World Police... I'm psyched! It has all you could ever dream for: Marionette puppets having graphic sex on screen, blowing up celebrity elitist douchebags and the Matt and Trey. And, it's only a day before my birthday that it comes out. They did it just for me I bet.

So this Kangaroo escaped in Bedford/Kisco. This rich guy, you've probably seen his house, has a zoo type thing. My silly sister Brittany found the guys house once and called it the kisco zoo. My sister can't find her way out of our driveway (bad sense of direction from my father who still doesn't know which way to turn out of the Pound Ridge park to get home), so if she found it, I figure most Fox Laners have seen/heard of it before. Anyway, a Kangaroo that he owned jumped the fence and was loose in bedford for like a week. Apparently it's been found, under the bridgestone tires of an automotive. Mr. Shanley told me of this today in the English department and he brought up an excellent point. What the hell does that guy say to his insurance company?

"Hey, I need money to help pay for repair on my car... Oh, yeah I hit a kangaroo on route 117. Oh? Geico doesn't cover kangaroo damages? This is bullshit! Well, most of the damage is from the kangaroo kick to my windshield, but then it's tail got caught in my grill and it totaled my car completely. I'm fine though... Yeah, and to make matters worse, it was being chased by dingos, and they hit my car too... Wait, correction, it was a wallabe."

I wish I was an aristocrat so I could hunt fox.

2004-09-29T16:30:00.000-04:00

I'm still kinda sick, so this won't be a real update. Instead, it's a list of all the gratuitously sick/perverted/awful metaphors I made today. It all started in a conversation online which went like this:

Me:I peed my pants
Me: I told my mammy to sew plastic lining on the inside of my pants so it will all just roll down like a rock upon a hill
Me: legions of liquid flowing down the ravines of my jeans
Me: I'm somewhat of a creative
Lana: I rule.
Me: my migraine must have fucked my brain into creativity
Me: it humped the riples and synapses of my fragile cerebrum into submission
Me: metaphors bitch

So then I came up with more gratuitously sick metaphors:

1. There was a rift in the relationship like Sally Field's ass after Andre the Giant.
2. The ground shook beneath me feet just as the ground would shake when an elephant takes a shit.
3. I was stunned, much like I would be stunned if somebody told me I had cancer and then proceeded to drop a thirty pound weight on my testicles.
4. I was hit by reality like an unsuspecting toddler who steps on the wrong end of a rake.
5. I knew there was no turning back, like being on a 2 hour line for an hour and fourty five minutes.
6. She had that smile of cruel satisfaction that one gets from kicking a puppy in the rib cage.
7. I was as screwed as a 12 year old Vietnamese prostitute... ok that's just wrong. I was as screwed as a 12 year old ~~Vietnamese~~ Happy prostitute... awww isn't that cute?

If anybody was offended by this entry, then I've done my job.

2004-09-23T20:20:00.000-04:00

I have the best job in the world for picking up chicks... Seriously, you could've taken my job out of a movie script...

I work with little elementary school children who's parents work late. They go to the elementary school, and they stay there until their parents can pick them up, and I am there to watch them and play with them. I play sports with them, help them with homework, pick them up, throw them, push them on swings, and spin them on tire swings. Today, a little girl was doing one of those fundraisers where if you collect a certain amount of cash, you get a prize or something, and I bought 16 dollars worth of chocolate from her! That's an hour and a half worth of work for me! I feel like such a good person!

Seriously though, when introducing myself to chicks, I can be like, "Yeah, I'm a badass, but every day after school I play with children who's parents have no time for them. I help them with homework and contribute to their fundraisers. Arn't I just so sweet? Now let's make out."

And it pays well... I swear, it's the best job in the world, EVER. I get paid well, get my highschool community service requirements, get to impress women, and I get to have fun playing sports with little kids who have no chance of beating me because I'm stronger. What more could I ask for? Nothing, nothing at all. Life is good ;).

2004-09-21T19:42:00.000-04:00

Arggg! My blog war was unsuccessful... nobody linked to me. On the other hand, it was a huge success in the amounts of hits I received on the days that the war took place. I'm assuming my hits will go back to normal pre-war hittage, but I'll hope for the best that I acquired some new readers. Yes, the entire war was about hits and links... No underlying ideology's, just clever schemes.

I can't update today because of all my work and stuff... I had work 'til six and now I have homework 'til bed. I must say that this months ratings will surpass last months, which surprises me greatly. Each month I get more monthly hits since my start in January. The reason that I'm especially surprised about the ratings increase this month is because I didn't post very much between August 4th and September 16th. That's a long time to go without posting, but my Reeders stayed faithful and hopeful. Thanks! I hope I can get more hits with every month and become famous and awesome! YES!

I have a funny forensics lab that I typed up that I'd like to post on my blog so you all can read it and laugh. Mrs. Dudeck told me she was cracking up while she read my story of how the murderer killed me at the "Deadly Picnic." I'll post that this week, and I'll definitely update and stuff.

2004-09-20T15:29:00.000-04:00

Ahh... Monday, the second worst day in the week (if you don't know what I'm talking about, I devoted half an entire blog entry just to describe which days I hate most). As many people may have noticed, my site attracted a lot of traffic today and yesterday. You may also have noticed a whole lot of pirate - talkin' whackos commenting on my latest entry! I have an explanation for all of this! Yesterday was International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which was made famous through Mr. Dave Barry. Dave Barry has a blog, and clever little ~~Smeagol~~ Reed found it, he did. I peacefully and gently implied on the comments on his blog proclaiming that it was a stupid holiday and that Vikings rule. I said something to the effect of, "You suck, Pirates suck, hooray Vikings, woohoo, October 16th is International Talk Like a Viking Day, Vikings rule the seas, you suck, and you suck a lot." I can't believe how immature, and not to mention unprovoked, Mr. Barry's response was. All his supporters came to my blog and boarded my longboat and bombadeered me with complaints. These acts of aggression will NOT slide! I will not tolerate any *attempted* abuse done to me by filthy sea-maggots. They call for war and battle, and war and battle I shall give them. I have drafted a Declaration of War against Dave Barry, his blog, and his stupid pirate supporters!

Declaration of War: The Great Blog War #2

Today, September 20th, 2004, will forever be a landmark in the history of the Viking [Superior] Race. Yesterday there were attacks on this fine blog, the haven of all Vikings of all different backgrounds, that will not go unnoticed. If Dave Barry and his stupid Pirate lackey's think that the strong proud Vikings would cave to immature and silly attacks, then he was wrong. If Dave Barry thinks he can push around this Viking because there is only one, and Dave Barry is so many, AGAIN; HE was wrong! He underestimated me like Sauron to the hobbits and the race of men. Dave Barry thinks just because he has his own newspaper column, that makes him better than I. Dave Barry thinks a lot of things, but Dave Barry is wrong at lest 65.17& of the time, I know because I am taking High School Pre-Calculus and I can figure out incredible math problems like that. Just because Dave Barry is really funny and writes good stuff like "That book about Beer" and "Big Trouble" which became a hollywood movie, it doesn't mean he can push around guys who didn't write "Big Trouble."

Dave Barry is a cheater anyway, I wrote the script to "Don't Tell Mom, the Babysitter's Dead" and he claimed that he wrote that movie. It was me. What a fool. Despite all his previous attacks, I let it slide though because I know I'm better than him. But yesterday, his wreckless acts of aggression were so blatant that he can NEVER get away Scott-Free... I even taped a sign to his back that says "Scott" just to make sure he's never Scott-Free. I've been rambling for about 100 thousand minutes perhaps, and I'm sure you don't want to read any more, so I'll get to the point. I declare a blog war against Dave the Barry, and against his blog! I am creating an Alliance of Viking Patriots who will fight the good fight and eat all the infants! All who join me will know happiness, while all who oppose shall know failure and loss of hits. THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

That is the original copy!

I figure Dave Barry might wish to end the war quickly and appease me without conflict. Therefore I list my demands for peace, I shall call them my fourteen points.

1. You link to me at least once!
2. You create ITLAVD (international talk like a viking day)
3. You make it take place on October 16th annually (it's the best day of the year because it's my birthday).
4. You must put a link to my blog on your webpage.
5. You must name your next book and or column, "Vikings are from Mars, Pirates were from Mars before they were killed by the Vikings, and British female captives are from Venus."
6. You must admit that Vikings are cooler than Pirates.

These are my demands. I only really had 5, but I hate making demands with an odd number of demands on the list, it just doens't feel right. Even numbers are much better. You really only have to fulfill one of my Fourteen Points (14 points, six demands). Some people may say I'm just trying to get my blog noticed and get more hits. Those people are right. Other people may say that I'm insane. Those people are right. Some people say I'm doing this because I'm angry I got drunk and slept with a fat chick. Honestly though, that never happened. Seriously, if Napoleon Bonapart told you that, he was lying. Thus concludes my entry, a landmark in Viking history!

2004-09-19T13:22:00.000-04:00

Today is probably the worst day in history. Some retard came up with the idea for International Talk Like A Pirate Day. This person should be chopped to bits with a Viking Battle-Axe. I hate Pirates! That's why I've decided to make October the Sixteenth "International Talk Like A Viking Day!" The greatest day in the entire world! I don't know to what extent Vikings talked, or even if they could talk. Now to think of it, Vikings couldn't talk because they were soooooo strong that their vocal cords were so jacked that they could only make deep booming basslines when they tried to speak. You know the baseline to that song "Joker" by Steve Miller Band...

You know, "I'ma joker, I'ma smoker, I'ma midnight toker..... sure don't wanna hurt no onnnnnnnnne. Some people call me Maurice." Yeah, it's a brilliant song, but anyway, the baseline for it was invented by a Viking who was trying to say, "Hey mom, pass the salt" at the dinner table. That's just another reason that Vikings are sweet.

Anyway, Vikings didn't speak much anyway, most of the time they just threw things and yelled. So on October the Sixteenth, I command everybody take part in "International Talk Like A Viking Day!" and everybody has to throw things and cleave skulls and stuff. Also, I ban people from talking like a Pirate, because Pirates were silly McGreevey's (that means gay if you didn't pick up on it). I mean, they call their flag the Jolly Roger... that couldn't intimidate a 5-year old who still wets the bed. Good Greif Charley Brown!

Now I'm going to steal one of Frank J.'s most popular bits and make it my own, without plagurising him like that crazy Jonah Goldberg.

Know Thy Enemy: Pirates

FUN FACTS ABOUT PIRATES:

- Blackbeard became a pirate because he real name was Helmsworth S. Polyester and he was a dork in high school. To re-vamp his image, he went on MTV's (Midieval Television's) MADE: I want to be a pirate.

- The one accomplishment Pirates can call their own is messing with the Spaniards. Filthy Socialist Spaniards! Serves them right. That's probably the only time I'll root for a pirate.

- In a parallel universe, Pirates are Trial Lawyers, while Carnies are the equivalent of Pirates in our dimension.

- When I go to the movies, sometimes I see Anti-Pirate advertisements. This one ad had this stuntman complaining about how Pirates were stealing his movies and profits. That seems enough evidence for me to conclude that in 2004, Pirates are computer geeks. LAME!

- Wait, does that mean I'm a Pirate? I'm a computer geek? Oh Lord - I've become what I hate the most... it's inevitable, isn't it?

- In the 1966 Batman movie with Adam West and Burt Ward, Batman fights Pirates. Way to go Batman, thumbs up champ!

- Pirates are pansys

- This one time, a Pirate wasn't allowed to go out on the seas with his buddies because he was grounded for not cleaning his room. A Viking on the other hand, would've burnt down the house and peed on the ashes. Thumbs up Vikings.

- I'll try to stay on topic... Pirates... they're pretty gay.

- Pirates have cannons and gunpowder, and still weren't able to topple empires or rape the lands of the British. Vikings had fists and PLASMA AXES and sometimes breathed fire to rape the lands of the Britons. Way to go Vikings, thumbs up champ!

- Now I'm not one to discriminate based on religion, but Pirates had a religion very reminiscent to the ideology's that created Pokemon... that's pretty freakin' lame. Thumbs up Odin, nice job Norce Gods.

- In a fight between a Pee Co. Chew and Thor, Thor would take out his super sweet hammer and he'd smash it into the ground as to start an earthquake. Then he would sit down and watch the little Pokeman run around in fear. Then he'd eat it alive. Thor is the God of thunder, what the fuck is Pikochew gonna do? That's right.

Sweet! This is game over! Pirates, thumbs down losers, Vikings, thumbs up champs!

2004-09-18T09:33:00.000-04:00

Good morning folks! It's Saturday, the greatest day EVER. In fact, in terms of days, Sunday is the worst because I dread going back to school so I can't even enjoy my day off. Monday is second worst because I have a week of school in front of me. Tuesday is the third worst because it's so close to monday. Wednesday is a decent day, the midpoint of the week. Thursday is getting better, closer to Saturday. Friday is JUST AS GOOD as Saturday because you can go out at night, have no homework to do until Sunday night at midnight, and there are two days until you have to go back to school. But that is all irrellevant. Last night I saw "Atmospheric Colonel and Planet Earth in 1939 Tomorrow With Robots." In other words, I saw the new Jude Law movie, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Here is Reed's Review!

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: Indiana Jones of the Stratosphere.

You and the Cap'n make it happen! Sky Captain and the World of tomorrow is trying to portray what people in the early twentieth century thought the future would look like. It tries to be very comic book like, and it's got nothing to do with what most people probably thought it was about (or at least, what I thought it would be about before I saw it). First, let me tell you that Angelina Jolie is in the movie for a measly 10 minutes. Her role is miniscule, which isn't disappointing or anything, I could care less because I didn't go to the movie to see her, but the fact that they had her down as a headliner for the film is a bit ridiculous. Giovanni Ribisi had the largest role besides for Judy Lawson and Gwynard Skynard. The fact that I didn't even know he was in the movie til I saw it erked me. Also, I was waiting the whole movie, wondering when the hell Angelina would show up and what the hell the role she'd play was. In the preview, she looks like she is going to be the "Bad Guy" of the film, and you think all those pretty robots that are flapping around Judith are sent from her. Wrong! Don't worry, I didn't spoil the movie for those who havn't seen it, they tell you who is sending the robots from the start of the movie. Now that I have that said, I can get into the movie.

For what it is trying to acheive, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow did an excellent job. It captured the feeling of the post-WWI 30's and the feelings of what the future would bring. I'm not getting started on the comic-book feel or the graphics in this paragraph, because it gets one of it's own down the line. Talk about cliché, this movie was full of them. I think it's a good thing, because that's what it was going for. A cliché 30's sci-fi action/adventure flick. That's exactly what it was, and it was cliché without going over the top.

In the film, Judd Lawyer plays a rogue mercenary pilot, who has his own renegade band of miscreants. I just wanted to say miscreants, but they're not, they're a flight group who has the latest technology and cool James Bond-esque gadgets, kudos to Giovanni Ribisi's character, a mechanical wiz who creates most of the gadgets. In a way, Martial Law is like Batman in the way that the city calls him out to help when they need aid. Gwynabell Partridge plays a 1930's reporter who does anything to get the story and has an extreme attraction to her camera. It's evident that she has known the Captain well before this movie takes place. The overall performance displayed by the cast is an A-, while Real Estate Law did a great job as what I call the "Indiana Jones of 2004" and Giovanni "the ice-pick" Ribisi did a great job as Dex, Gwyneth was only mediocre. Not bad, but not very colorful of a character.

This movie was the most eye-pleasing sci-fi action flick I've ever seen. Well, maybe not, but it was pretty freakin' cool looking. The battle sequences were badass and smooth, and the sets(well, the CGI, Rather [but not Dan]) were incredible. Some say CGI overkill, I say "AWESOME!" In some respects it reminded me of Hellboy because it's about a renegade faction that is technologically advanced and fights evil and has to do with Nazi's. In the visual respects, it reminded me of Leage of eXtraordinary Gentlemen, which I didn't watch all of, but it was on TV and had some of the most visually pleasing sights EVER. Sure, LXG probably sucked, but it looked amazing. I only hope that the director made back all the cash he spent on that movie's budget. In respect to the characters(mostly BAR Examination's[Jude's] character), the characters were very reminiscent of Indiana Jones and some of his contemporaries. Well isn't that ironic, a movie that is supposed to portray a comic-book future in the 1930's reminds me of three comic books (Batman, Hellboy, LXG) and Indiana Jones. I'd say the director accomplished his cause.

Overall, the movie was really entertaining and good, the action was cool and smooth, the acting was good enough, and it was a visual orgasm. I give it ***/****. For those who don't know what that means, shame on you. *Hits those who don't know with a rolled up newspaper*. It means three out of four stars.

On another completely different note, if you're pissed off that George Lucas won't let us see the original Star Wars trilogy unmolested, then sign this petition! I'll also bet putting a link to the petition on my side bar link thing. Sign if you care, and if you don't care, start caring and sign.

2004-09-17T09:34:00.000-04:00

Just how many hurricanes are going to hit Florida? I say we start the betting! Honestly though, these hurricanes are ruining everything! I mean, if there was one hurricane, it would be alright because then they could make "The Perfect Storm 2: Charlies Wrath" but I can't deal with four sequals. "The Perfect Storm 3: Frances bitchslaps Florida". "The Perfect Storm Four: Ivan the Terrible". There's another one coming, I don't know it's name yet but it was, as weathermen like to call it, a Cat-5. I'm allergic to Cats, but I'm not sure about hurricanes, I havn't gotten tested. They pick such random names for hurricanes. I guarantee there will never be a Hurricane Reed. That's just a shame, a dirty shame.

Tomorrow, the movie "Jude Law Fly's a plane in the future world with Gwyneth Paltrow in 1939 fighting robots in the sky tomorrow" or whatever the fuck it's called, I can't remember because of it's humongous title, is coming out. Wait, today is friday, nevermind, today it is coming out.

Last year in French Class, my friend Dave asked me the most important question ever, "If you could eat human, what part would you eat and how would you prepare it?" Well I'm hungry right now, so it's a good time for me to answer with the utmost candor because the question is more appealing on an empty stomach. I think I'd definitely cut off the fingers, toes, and ears, then I'd batter them, and deep fry them so that they'd turn out like fried chicken or popcorn shrimp. Except they'd be human, not chicken or shrimp. I think the thighs are a great peice of meat to grill, grilled thighs definitely sounds good, lotta meat, lotta muscle. Likewise for the calf. Besides the toes and fingers, I don't think I'd eat any other part of the hand or foot, because of all the tendins and small bones... just doesn't seem like grade A meet could possibly be in there. Then again, the whole question depends on how fat the person is. With a stature like mine, there isn't too much to eat, and I don't think there would be any meat in the my toes or fingers or ears, so maybe I'd fry them and eat them like potato crisps. I don't know if I'd eat any organs, because I don't like cow organs, just muscle tissue. I guess I'd do the same for a human. Well, now this has really peaked my appetite, so I think I'm going to go to "Sophisticated", "Refined", Europe where it is legal to eat people with their consent. Crazy fucking Europeans.

I've managed to write the most awful, reviling entry of my life. For those who read this, I hope I didn't ruin your appetite for too long, for eating is imperative to human survival.

2004-09-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

Ahem... I will re-start my posting at the New Year...

I'm Jewish, so that means NOW!

Today is the first day of Roach Natasha, the Jewish New Year. Jew's can't hold their liquor, so instead of drinking gratuitous amounts of alcohol and watching balls drop (hehe, I said balls drop), we Jews do other activities.

Top Ten Activities Jews do on Roche Hanashana (and on the rest of the year).

10. Go to temple. For some Jews, Rome Grenada and Yo I'm Key Poor (I think that means, Hey, I'm very poor, help me out Yahwee), are the only times of year they go to temple. Sometimes I go for Bar Mitzvahs too!

9. Eat Holla! Who do you think invented that word? Not the dark men! No sir! That is OUR word. We eat holla on a weekly basis, but on Ho'z Daztanash, we eat special holla that is round.

8. Eat Matzah Ball Soup! Who do you think invented that word? The Jew's, that's RIGHT! Matzah Ball Soup is pretty much the best food, EVER. Thank G-d (hehe) that we Jews didn't have convection ovens back in Egypt, or we would have just regular bread soup.

7. Hang with relatives and friends. We are a social people, noted for our skills in accounting and chinese take-out.

6. Pray to Adonai. Adonai is a vengeful God, and he told me that when he gets pissed, he likes to murder innocents. I like him, he's cool. Oh, and for all you P.C. Equality people, HE told me he wasn't a girl, girls and pansys and could never have conceptualized half the sweet things God has done, like killing people, parting oceans (and hair!) and lighting things on fire (like bushes). He also says that if you are P.C. and say he/she for God, he will infect you with Malaria.

5. On Role Hash-honor, I'm not quite supposed to eat ham. I do like Ham, but I guess it's a high holy day, and I can't eat it until Yahwee stops spectating. Did he just blink? *eats a ham*. MMMM HAAAAAAAM!

4. On Rosh Hanashanananashan, I except a lot of, "Thank you for being Jewish so I can get out of school on Thursday and Friday this week."

3. Rosh Hashananana sounds a lot like M. Night Shanananamalan.

2. M. Night Shananana's movies are all the same. They all have the exact same ending. In the Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis doesn't exist. In Unbreakable, Bruce Willis doesn't exist. In Signs, Joaquin Pheonix has a funny name, and also doesn't exist, nor do the aliens! In the Village, Nobody can hear you scream (actually, that's space). Nevermind, Joaquin Pheonix didn't exist in the Village either. Your plot twists are all the same M. Night Sashalon! Your work as a director is dispicable!

1. The number one thing Jews do on Rosh Hashana is reflect. Or so my mommy says. The amount of time I spend in front of the mirror on Rosh Hashana isn't considerably more than on other days, but my mother and sister spend a lot more time reflecting in the mirror on Rosh Hashana.

So I'm back and will be posting regularly. If you don't read my blog every day, I'll eat a fetus. If you don't read my blog twice a day, I'll just abort one.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

2004-08-30T11:40:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or does anybody else find this to be totally hilarious.

I took that picture at Costco yesterday. Oh, the sweet irony of it all.

2004-08-29T13:15:00.000-04:00

LorB4 (12:13:02 PM): Yo.yo,yo, what gp?RoElGiOx (12:13:04 PM): haha
LorB4 (12:13:05 PM): go
RoElGiOx (12:13:11 PM): hey dad
LorB4 (12:13:19 PM): no MOM!
LorB4 (12:13:43 PM): I know, I'm too cool for words
RoElGiOx (12:14:00 PM): hahah fo' reaaaaaaaaaaaaal mama?
LorB4 (12:14:13 PM): for shizel!
LorB4 (12:14:35 PM): In a word yes.
RoElGiOx (12:14:40 PM): hahaha
LorB4 (12:14:55 PM): For shizel
LorB4 (12:15:23 PM): That be it for my cool vocab
RoElGiOx (12:15:55 PM): hahaha
RoElGiOx (12:16:04 PM): ok let me teach you
RoElGiOx (12:16:15 PM): d-block, box, and cop all mean steal
LorB4 (12:16:17 PM): cool
RoElGiOx (12:16:19 PM): I'm gonna d-block that
RoElGiOx (12:16:24 PM): yo, he boxed dat!
RoElGiOx (12:16:36 PM): don't make me cop a ride! (That means don't make me steal a car)
LorB4 (12:16:47 PM): neat
LorB4 (12:17:01 PM): How metaphoracal!
RoElGiOx (12:17:06 PM): hahahaha
LorB4 (12:17:14 PM): reaaaaaaally
LorB4 (12:17:42 PM): It's fun
RoElGiOx (12:17:43 PM): deadass means serious... like instead of saying "I'm serious" you say, "I'm deadass" or "I'm fo' reaaaaaaal"
LorB4 (12:18:10 PM): Imagine ME using that one!
RoElGiOx (12:18:16 PM): hahaha
LorB4 (12:18:32 PM): Deadass is pretty serious
RoElGiOx (12:18:51 PM): hah
RoElGiOx (12:18:57 PM): ok, then there's get'em
LorB4 (12:19:03 PM): What goes in New Ro
RoElGiOx (12:19:04 PM): which I don't know what it means, but I know when to use it
RoElGiOx (12:19:12 PM): it's Na Rule mother, not New Rochelle!
LorB4 (12:19:24 PM): OOPS
RoElGiOx (12:19:41 PM): only McGreevey's(fags) and hoz(women) say new rochelle
LorB4 (12:20:03 PM): Hoz is BAD...mysogenous
LorB4 (12:20:27 PM): misogenous
RoElGiOx (12:20:48 PM): but I don't know
RoElGiOx (12:21:12 PM): then you say "Werd"
LorB4 (12:21:14 PM): hoz got to go
RoElGiOx (12:21:17 PM): you can say werd at any time
LorB4 (12:21:26 PM): Werd means approval
RoElGiOx (12:21:32 PM): alright peace fo' shizzle dizzle, dad gotta d-block the comp? fo' sho, holla!
RoElGiOx (12:21:41 PM): werd means anything at any time
LorB4 (12:21:49 PM): ah
RoElGiOx (12:21:52 PM): approval, it could be a question too though
RoElGiOx (12:21:55 PM): like, "Werd?"
RoElGiOx (12:21:59 PM): like "Really?"
LorB4 (12:22:03 PM): ah
RoElGiOx (12:22:09 PM): or it can be like werd...
RoElGiOx (12:22:18 PM): so you gotta be real, fo' holla
RoElGiOx (12:22:39 PM): and don't say "hoz got to go"
LorB4 (12:22:44 PM): so , are we dropping you off in Na Rule?
RoElGiOx (12:22:45 PM): you say "dis hoz gotta be out"
RoElGiOx (12:22:58 PM): I dunno yet fo' sho, I iz talkin to g-unit
LorB4 (12:23:05 PM): BE ;out then it be!!
RoElGiOx (12:23:13 PM): hah
LorB4 (12:23:35 PM): THank you. You make me a cool mumsy
RoElGiOx (12:24:19 PM): hahaha fo' sho

My mama bear is so funny!

2004-08-24T11:22:00.000-04:00

I'm still alive.

2004-08-04T00:56:00.000-04:00

Reed is going away? Whither does he go? Only time will tell. Yes, I am going away for eleven days. But my Reeders, you need not worry one bit! I will broadcast my words from places T.B.A. (To Be Announced, not Totally Bad-Ass). Every day, you'll have to tune in to find out what exciting place I'll be posting from.

So I'll be on a semi-vacation thing, but I'll be posting every single day. I'm tired now though, and I don't want to post right now. I'll possibly update later in the day.

2004-08-03T01:56:00.000-04:00

Today is my official 100th post ever. I can't believe I've made it this far. The fact that my attention span hasn't driven me to something else and the fact that I havn't given up blogging is intriguing to me. I guess it's because I stapled a peice of paper to my testicles that says, "Hey douchebag, keep blogging, otherwise you'll have to tear this stupid post it off your balls, cause if you quit blogging and leave it there, it'll be totally irrelevant." We're going to sing a song for my 100th post. The song is, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat BeniTARDED.

Tuesday August 3rd, the year 2004 in the ~~Shire~~ Westchester reckoning. The third age of the world.

My blog is magical. It has ads for whatever I talk about. If I talk about juice, I get juice ads. If I talk about smoothies, I get smoothie ads. If I talk about harmonica's, I get harmonica ads. If I talk about 12 year old Cambodian whores, the goddamn site won't tell me where to get them. I just assume it's in Cambodia.

People havn't started paying me to host their ads yet. I decided today I shall start selling ad space on my blog. Ok, now somebody just pay me like 50 bucks and I'll totally link to you a lot and strategically be like, "Well today is August 4th, the year 2004 in the Shire reckoning, third age of Middle Earth. By the way, you can buy Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit at this site. Go here! No, they havn't paid me to do that yet, but they will when they see how good it works." But instead of me linking to ebay, I'll be like, "Well, today is August 5th, the year 2004 in the Shire reckoning, third age of the world. By the way, this has nothing to do with Lord of the Rings, but if Frodo were a real person, I'm sure he'd like this site." Except honestly, nobody really gives a fuck about Joyce DeWitt.

Well the bidding starts now. Who wants an ad for their website? I bet there's somebody reading this that is a hit whore and wants lot's of people to see what he's created. Aha! Somebody has just paid me five dollars because he wants lots of people to see his website. Ok, here's your ad mister.

Today is August 3rd, the year 2004 in the Shire reckoning, third age of this world. Hey guys?! I bet James Woods would absolutely LOVE this site RIGHT HERE!

Well, like I said, only retarded hit whores who want millions of people to view what he has created would buy an ad from me. Jeez I'm full of stupid obscure references today. Pat Benitar, Joyce DeWitt, James Woods... Well, not really that obscure (obscure would be the song "Kiss Me Deadly" by Lita Ford), but for my 100th post I'm going to reminisce about some other obscure references I've laid claim to on my blog. Rutger Hauer, Fred Savage, and Kevin Sorbo (He's so hot right now). Now I command that everybody that Reeds my blog gather their cash together to buy me the Hercules: Legendary Journey's TV show seasons one-three. NOW!

Ending Story

Since this entry has just been a bunch of filler (Shit I type out when I have nothing better to say), I will glorify a true tale of what happened to me today.

"When Reed awoke, he found that it was hours later than he had accounted for. 'It must be half past noon,' Reed exclaimed with an alarmed note in his voice. 'I fear that my precise scheduling may go awry,' he finished. With that, he sprung out of his makeshift loft and gathered together what he could with such little time as he had. In his arm, he nestled a large tome with strange markings on it. In his opposite hand, he clenched tight a small device of unknown use. Bursting out into the open, Reed surveyed his surroundings. A silence crept over him; the air was still, but all was not peaceful. A dark dread, a shadow of a nightmare was creeping over the light heart of the young man, and he looked as if he were struggling within, an internal debate, one will against another. The will to stay put overwhelmed him. The silence was broken as a rustling from below pulled Reed out of the gloom and back into reality. Stealthily, he descended the wooden stair, as if avoiding some watching eye, unseen but not unnoticed. The stair was built in the fashion of the men of old, wrought of some ancient timber long forgotten. Reed, upon reaching the bottom of the stair, peered out into the open, and discovered that his companions were gone, save for two hounds. The uneasy feeling of watchfulness disappeared, and Reed felt at ease. He strolled into the kitchen and rationed his breakfast. To his dispair, Lucky Charms and Captain Crunch had forsaken these lands. He was forced to eat Honey Bunches of Oats, but as with the art of the Post cereal makers, it envigorated him with a newfound strength that would bring him to the sofa. Reed set the tome on the sofa, and slipped the device into his pocket. He turned on the TV and watched Hocus Pocus, cause the actress girl in it was totally hot, and so was Sarah Jessica Parker back then in 1993. Hours later, he picked up the tome and opened it and stared intently at it until nightfall, when he ate dinner and stared at it again. Then he took the device out of his pocket and called his girlfriend with it. Then he came up here and wrote this entry, pretending he was J.R.R. Tolkein and that his life was more interesting than it really is."

2004-08-02T02:00:00.000-04:00

I havn't posted in three days. I'm sorry. It's summer and I'm lazy. What to write about. Well, my last entry was shitty, even I knew that. It was a dumb joke; sorry.

It's a new month and we had bad numbers for July. We only beat the month of June by 4 hits. In fact, we weren't going to beat the month of June until I visited my site 4 times just to make sure. That sucks! Then again, many people are away for the summer, so I guess it's ok. Also, I went on vacation for 3 days, so all things considered it wasn't that bad. August we should do better. If we don't do better, I will go to Florida and beat up old Jewish women.

There are my demands, if they aren't met, there will be a violence plaguing Boca Raton, Florida. I think I've lost all funny things to say, which is why I have to write about obscure news stories that I find, like the curfew of people under the age of eighteen in a county in the People's Republic of California.

I can write about the mall! I went there today (no this isn't a journal account of what I did today)! It's time for a rant. Fucking mall, motherfucking Westchester Mall. Let's first see the two reasons Reed will ever go to the mall:

1. Video Game and/or random accessory such as poker chips
2. Movie/CD

Well, I don't go to the mall for the Sweet Factory, but it is a necessary stop. I can't resist juicy pear jelly beans! As much as I love juicy pears, however, I don't go to the mall just for them. Today I went to the mall, not in search of anything in particular, though I would buy poker chips or a video game if I saw one I liked. Ok, so I set off through the mall in pursuit of a gaming store or a DVD place. At this point, I remembered that I wanted to see Blind Fury with Rutger Hauer. I find the DVD store, and after a long time of searching in vain, I decided to ask if they had the fine film masterpiece. The retard at the desk didn't know how to spell fury, so she asked her partner to look it up for her. They didn't carry the title. I was depressed, but not discouraged. I mean, all malls have more than one place that carries DVD's right?

WRONG! It was the only fucking movie store in the whole fucking place! This mall is huge, how can it only have one DVD store? Well, then I remembered that Blind Fury is kind of a B-film, so I decided I could always order it online. Then I decided to search for a gaming store. Every mall has three or four of those. I knew the Westchester had that Gaming Empire place, KB Toys carried video games, and FAO Schwartz did too. I went to the place where the Gaming Empire was, and it was replaced by something retarded like Build-A-Bear. I got angry, but then again it was smaller than KB Toys so what does it matter. I headed down to KB, and it had been replaced by, get this, a second Sharper Image. Hey, I love the Sharper Image, but isn't two in one mall a bit of an overkill? What the hell is the point of that? I can't even buy videogames in the mall, and I can't buy Rutger Hauer. Why the fuck should I go there? Then, this crazy place that used to sell useless shit that was fun to look at got replaced by some shitty store. The second floor was replaced by Express for Men.

What the fuck? That shit is ridiculous! FAO Schwartz was taken down and replaced by a hair salon. The Mall only has faggot metrosexual clothing shit and the food court now. I buy my clothing on the internet or at Kohls. Who the fuck is going to buy 300 dollar pants? Obviously rich white folk from Westchester. Well fuck that! I'm never going back there again, and I urge you not to support that shit! I need a mall that caters to losers like myself, that have no interest in physical appearance. I need a mall that caters to geeks! The Danbury mall has made a start, having in it a Wizards of the Coast store and an EB. That's prime geekage territory. Good job Danbury. The Stamford mall has a movie theater and some good stores! Good Job Stamford.

The Westchester Mall makes you pay for parking. That's ridiculous! Furthermore, they make their employee's pay for parking. That's absurd! Fuck you! Overpriced upperclass shit! It's a good thing geeks like me know our way around the internet.

2004-07-29T18:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a record for daily hits. Hooray, maybe we can yet beat my month of June ratings. It shall be a difficult feat, but if my Reeders stay faithful, we may yet. Today I have a plan. I wanted to write about this topic since I got to the airport in Texas on my way home. I plan to sue Ben and Jerry's ice cream institution. I do not wish to sue them for being dirty, filthy retarded hippies, which they are indeed. I wish to sue them for a far greater cause. July the nineteenth, the year 2004 it was. I saw a sign... a sign from God perhaps, or perhaps it was from the Ben and Jerry's proprietor. This sign said, "REAL FRUIT SMOOTHIES." I thinks to myself, "Hey, are they deadass? Do they really have what it takes to make a REAL FRUIT SMOOTHIE?" I ordered one. Storeberry Banana (storeberry is how Viking's pronounce StrawBerry) to be precise. It was handed to me by the robot that was making it. I said, "Filthy Robots, you killed a man and will then revolt." Wait, no that didn't happen, that was I, Robot. I took a great draught of the smoothie. It tasted pretty good, kinda like a blend of Storeberries and Bananas.

Then I was like, "Shit mother fucker I'm suing fucking Ben and fucking Jerry's. Fucking Smoothie ain't real! Motherfucker. Fuck." and my dad was like, "Reed, what are you talking about? This smoothie looks real to me!" and I was like, "Nah Dad we have to sue these sick fucks. They sold me a fake smoothie. This shit ain't real, it's just a peice of code. We're in the matrix and therefore that is just code for smoothie. A real smoothie is made from hydrogenated soy testicle. Therefore we must sue cause they gave me code, not smoothie."

Now this pissed me off. They're supposed to sell me a real smoothie, NOT IN THE MATRIX. They should've said "Real Coded Matrix shit" not "Real fruit smoothie." I went to Baskin Robbins and it's the same deal. This time they sunk themselves in even deeper shit by saying, "Great taste!" I mean it was pretty good, but I wouldn't say Great. That's total false advertisement. I didn't get what I paid for. I paid for great, not good. I feel ripped off and scammed. It's bullshit! Damn those communists. That's all I have to say for now. Winner of yesterday's caption contest is Wolf's Dawn, cause his was hilarious. He wins bragging rights. Bless you Wolfie. You also won a Viking Blessing.

This message is broadcasted from the humble Gregatorium, the Greg Abode.

2004-07-28T15:13:00.000-04:00

We gotses a good news report today! Yes, precious, we do! To start off, let me mention that there is bad news coming out of France. Yes, French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac has denied that he surrendered to a bowl of salad, as I reported last week. He says that it was in a tupper-ware container, and those are distinctly different in design to any such ordinary bowl.

He does not deny, however, that at 3 A.M. this morning, he ordered French security forces (a mime with a bagguette) to apprehend a suspicious character that was found in his room. Reports say that this character was none other than his stuffed alligator, Reginald Jean-Jean Pierre Renee Jean de Gaulles.

In other news, a mysterious Hyote was discovered in Baltimore. Nobody knows what the fuck it is, but it hasn't hurt anybody. It looks pretty retarded. It honestly looks like God made it as a joke. Seriously, it is so funny looking. It's such a reject! Why havn't they captured it and studied it to find out what it was, or how something so ugly came about? It's weirder looking than a platypus. It's obviously a result of Chernobyl.. or it's a result of three mile island. Wait, wait, it's been mutated by spoons, which as everybody knows cause cancer!

Ta-Ray-Sah Heinz Kerry told a reporter to "Shove it" right after a speech against hate politics that called for a more civil tone in politics.

She said, "We need to turn back some of the creeping, un-Pennsylvanian and sometimes un-American traits that are coming into some of our politics."

After the speech, a reporter asked her what she meant when she said "un-American." She said to him, "You said something I didn't say. Now shove it." Unfortunately for Ta-Ray-Sah, in the year 2004 we have a quaint little device called the Video Recorder... sorry Ta-Ray-Sah, but they gotcha on tape.

Hehe, that picture makes me laugh. Now we have caption contest! Since this is my first caption contest, I'm sure most of my Reeders don't know what a caption contest is. A caption contest is where I post a picture, and everybody puts a caption that could go along with the picture in the comments. The winner is special and I will give them 5 dollars (or another cool prize if they are second place or something), so everybody go post your caption. I will start with one of mine!

Caption: John Kerry is the spokesman for new Trojan Condoms: Code Blue.

Update: Joshua (who first showed me the mystery creature article) has yet again provided a link to the situation update. More Hyotes are being spotted, or one has been roaming.

Update again: There's been an edition to the teletubbies. Which one was the gay one? I can't remember if it was the light blue or the purple. Thanks Allah!

2004-07-27T17:53:00.000-04:00

Here is today's Newsflash brought to you by Reed the Viking:

Many of the delegates to the DNC had time to go to Fenway Park. I don't know if I'd be able to have a President that's a Boston Red Sox fan...

Ricky Williams retired and I still don't give a damn about him.

Ja Rule got arrested in Canada for charges of Assault. I do hope he beat up some of those damn Canadian socialist hippies. He won't get in trouble for it though, because he's black, and it would be racist!

STD rates are rising in Britain. I don't understand how, considering that British people are not known for their looks. On second thought, since all of Europe is a bunch of gay-hippie pansies, STDs are probably rampant through those Queer-mo's. It makes sense.

Everything gives you cancer now doesn't it. First, Cigarettes give you cancer. Then, they say that watching TV gives you cancer! Asbestos gives you cancer. Silica Gel gives you cancer! Then, they claim that slim jim's give you cancer... I actually agree with that one though, slim jim's are made from God-knows-what and are irradiated for that pure-processed taste that we all love. But now they're saying that the 9/11 attacks give New Yorkers cancer! What will they think up next? Oh wait, this just in from CNN! Apparently, metal spoons give you cancer and restaraunts all across the nation are replacing their silverwear with a whole lot of sporks. Sporks, unlike spoons, do not give you cancer, but they have been known to give people chronic diarrhea and irresistable fits of laughter due to their hilarious name... Just say it: Spork.

It is now evident that dietary pundits have no fuckin' clue what they're talking about. First they say, "Don't eat fatty foods, they give you cancer and make you fat." Then Atkins comes along and says, "Don't eat carbs, eat protein and shit." Then Atkins died, so that shows you how good his diet worked. Well, I think he died cause he fell down a staircase or something, but that's not the point. Now they're saying that we need fat in our salad. You know what I say? Stop overeating you fat bastards. Losing weight isn't something you can magically do. There's only two ways to lose weight. Get Parkinson's (all the shaking burns a lot of calories), or become Anorexic. Look at how good it worked for Alicia Silverstone!

2004-07-26T18:14:00.000-04:00

I got lazy again... God damnit, somebody is going to have to put me on track! As all of you can now see (unless you are color blind), I have remixed my blog. I've written a song about it:

It's the remix to the Viking,
I can't type while I'm biking,
Mama rollin' that pizza dough,
So we can eat while we're hiking,

Sippin' on beer and whisky,
I'm like so what let's pillage,
It is freakin' freezin baby,
Cause we're all up in Norway.

Damn straight, that's the remix to the Viking blog. That song made absolutely no sense. Ooh-Rah! I like my new blog colors. Also, if you didn't notice, I remixed up my comments. I got a song for that too:

It's the remix of comments,
At the woodbury commons,
Mama rollin' that pizza dough
So we can eat while we're (Whatever the fuck rhymes with comments).

Damnit, the comment song is too hard to do. Well my comments say "Comment if you're worthy" and since nobody is worthy, I expect no comments. Just kidding, I'm worthy, so I can comment. But nobody else. THE IMPOSTOR IS UNCOVERED! It was John "JThug" George! God bless his soul, he's a good man. The impostor has revealed his identity. Woohoo for Remixed blog and impostors unveiled.

2004-07-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

I'm in dire need of a new post. I have legitimate reasons for being absent these 2 days. My reasons are that I got lazy. Wanna fight about it? Ok, you'll have to answer to the man with the guns in the last post. Also, I figured that if Frank could take a break, then I could. Do I have anything to say? Of course not! You know what that means? It means I get to make things up! Ok, and here's for this weeks newsflash:

On monday, Hurricane Nelson swept through Croatia killing millions... of ants. Reportedly, none were hurt, but France surrendered. Later that very same day, Prime Minister of France, Jacques Chirac, surrendered to his bowl of salad, claiming, and I quote, "It was an iminant threat to the bold nation of France."

Bold indeed. Also on monday, a huge cocaine sting took an ill turn and an undercover cop was killed. Seven suspects have been apprehended by New York City officials.

On tuesday, Sandy Berger was noted of having secret government documents in his pants and socks. Apparently, the Clinton administration has trouble keeping it's pants on. Berger was quoted as saying, "It was an honest mistake." At a later time, he was quoted as saying, "Well it depends on what the definition of secret documents is."

On tuesday night, a rampant fire burned down a house in downtown Manhattan. This fire was apparently started when a squirrel made it's home inside of a transformer, and it ignited and blew up.

Ok let me stop here. The first two news items I made up. The Sandy Berger news item I did not make up. Except for his second quote, I made that up. I also made up the fire story, because last year a squirrel blew up the transformer in my house and we lost power for a while. Now I'll do some real reporting of irrelevant news crap you don't hear about!

Wednesday: A British dude killed a mother of four and disappeared. The poor guy was depressed... His family feels really bad about it. That poor fellow and what he must be going through. That bitch probably deserved it anyway, I bet she did the Lorena Bobbit on him.

Thursday: Palm Springs, California sure has a lot to report about! The police department is now cracking down on youths out without a parent past 10:00. It's 10 PM, do you know where your children are? Jesus, that sucks ass for those kids. But I don't care, because I'm not one of them. In fact I'll make fun of them for not being able to go out. That's what they get for being from California.. Fucking West Coast. Also, 12 Palm Springs high school students finish and praise a retail course. I think Pound Ridge has better news than that shit.

Today: Man the Sudan sucks. Bad shit has been going on there for a while, but they finally call it genocide now. Hopefully somebody will do something about it because it's awful. The U.N. won't recognize it as genocide yet. Well the U.N. fucking sucks and has no power anyway. They hate jews, those filthy anti-semites. They want to take down the Israeli wall which has helped protect them from terrorism and suicide bombings! The vote was 133 for taking down the wall and 4 for keeping it with 15 abstentions. Considering the U.S. and Israel both support Israel (half the votes for it), that leaves only 2 other countries in the 191 country United Nations that think the wall should stay. That kind of anti-semetism frightens me. So in response to that shit, here is what we in the blogosphere do:

To Whom It May Concern:
When Israel builds a fence to keep out terrorists, the UN and EU are up in arms because it makes it difficult for terrorists to kill more Jews.
When terrorists shoot (point blank!) an 8-month-pregnant Jewish woman and her 4 little girls, there is absolute silence from your organizations.
The security fence is a temporary and nonviolent way to reduce terrorism. The fence is a proportional response to the ongoing Palestinian Campaign of terror. When the terrorism stops, the fence can be taken down.
The route of the fence was designed to save the lives of innocent people. Israel has the right and the duty to protect its citizens from terrorist attacks.
Since the erection of the security fence there has been a 90% decrease in the number of attacks against Israelis-from an average of 26 attacks per year before the fence to three attacks after the fence was built.
The Israeli Supreme Court has ruled that areas of the fence must be adjusted in order to relieve Palestinian hardship. Unlike any other country in the region, Israel has an independent judiciary. Israel, a democracy committed to the rule of law, will comply with the Israeli Supreme Court's decision.
The security fence is not a wall, as the court states. The majority of the fence is constructed of barb wire-8.5 kilometers of the fence consists of concrete slabs, in order to prevent sniper fire.
There are many disputed security fences around the world-India has constructed a fence in the contested area of Kashmir, and Saudi Arabia has constructed a barrier in an undefined area along the Saudi Arabia-Yemen border-yet only Israel's security fence has prompted an International Court of Justice ruling. See this website: (www.washingtoninstitute.org/distribution/PCE465.doc)
Israel is willing to make painful sacrifices for peace. Israel has made peace with Jordan and Egypt, and gave up the entire Sinai-land larger than the current state of Israel.
If you think your indifference goes unnoticed, count the number of messages you will receive world-wide in the next 48 to 72 hours on this subject.
Respectfully,
Reed Branson.

We send that in an email to the U.N. and European Union. Grrr, Reed no like foreigners!

2004-07-20T11:55:00.000-04:00

Who on earth is that sexy beast? It's.... TADA! Cowboy Reed the Viking, sporting his shirt that he got at IMAO! I'll update this post later today, but for now we can all just stare at that gorgeous, gorgeous man.

2004-07-19T20:22:00.000-04:00

AP English has to read retarded feminist book called "Woman in the 19th century." First of all, let me ask; is this book about WOMAN in the 19th century, or WOMEN plural in the 19th century. If it's about one chick, that'll be even shittier. Why do we have to read about women anyway? Can't we read about PEOPLE in the 19th century? Fucking old crabby lesbians and their feminist aspirations... Women should stay in the kitchen and in my bed and at the supermarket buying me beer.

Also, we get to read the Scarlett Letter. It's by a good author though, I think Hawthorne. He's a puritan if memory serves me correctly. I hate Puritans, and if there was a word to encompass a person who is prejudiced against Puritans, that word would be an adjective describing me. Who wants to read about a letter, let alone a Scarlett one. Which letter is it anyway? If I had to choose, I would choose Q because it's mysterious. And I'd make it blue. I'd name my book the Blue Letter and people would have to read the book to understand that the letter is Q.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

This is the funniest shit I've ever seen! Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger, the Governator of Mexifornia, said that the legislature was being "girly-men" because they wouldn't pass his policies, and he claims they are being pushed around by special interests. He called them "girly-men" in reference to a SNL skit that has body-builders who worship Ah-nuld, and they call everybody girly-men. But it gets better. The feminists and gays are totally flipping out, calling Arnold a homophobe and shit. It's making me laugh so hard. It was a joke, but people have lost their sense of humor. I love the reaction he's gotten from them, they're absolutely nuts to take that comment seriously! The fact that they've all got their panties in a bunch makes me howl with a sadistic delight! I love Arnold for making that comment, it was funny, but I love the fags and lesbians(feminists) because of the way they reacted. They're freakin' nuts! They say his remarks were insulting to gays and women. If you're a woman and you're reading this and you're insulted, please comment and leave your name and address so I can know where you live and run over your puppy. If you're gay, don't read my blog, homo! Just kidding, but if you're gay and you are reading this and you are insulted, do the same thing as the women. It was obviously said in jest, and they take it as insult. I love it! He was freakin' referencing SNL!

'"That's very troubling that he would use such a homophobic way of trying to put down legislative leadership," said Kuehl, one of five members of the Legislature's five-member Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Caucus.'

“He says he’s going to ‘terminate’ members in November? I really don’t know what he means by that. That’s not funny any more.”

“It’s an old-fashioned way of talking about gay men as to indicate they’re not as strong. So that part is really painful."

HAHAHA! Everybody laugh and make fun of that goober.

Kuehl is a french-sounding name, so it makes sense. The French are "Girly-Men." Muahahahah. They're retarded!

2004-07-14T21:51:00.000-04:00

Tommorow I depart for Texas to become a Cowboy Viking. Actually I'm going to Zach's basic training graduation. You know what they say, "You don't mess with Texas." Hopefully I can go to a hoe-down and take part in a shoot out. Maybe I can apprehend some weapons, since New York has pussy laws that won't let me have any cool weapons. Guns are cool. I havn't had myself a good rant in a while. I hate having nothing to complain about. I don't have anything NEW to make fun of, worst case scenario, I'll have to make fun of gays or minorities.

Michael Moore is fat. Who the hell is Michael Moore, and why does he think he can tell us things? He's not even a real person! What makes him an authority on any topic! Can I just make a movie and take Fact A and use it to say C is true? If so, where do I sign up for this job? I can easily make up a ridiculous arguement that makes no sense, in fact I think I've already done it with this here Russian website. The great thing about this job is that I can make up the most ridiculous thing in the world, and I don't even need to defend myself because I won't take questions unless they are pre-screened. Also, I have a team of people ready to formulate answers to any question I'm asked. This seems like the dream job for me, I make things up all the time, and I defend myself pretty good, but this is even better cause I don't have to defend myself.

Honestly, I respect that Michael Moore has a political view. Great, we all have one. I respect that he wants to serve justice, and I agree that if you have a problem with the government, you should do something about it. I respect that, honestly. When you see something that you perceive to be wrong, you should always do something about that. On the other hand, when you get proved wrong by factual evidence, you have to swallow your pride and own up to it. I'm sure Michael Moore has some good points, but his credibility is completely shattered (at least in my eyes) when he makes some of his moore nutty claims that I've read about. The reason I hate him so much is not because of his political views or anything like that. I hate him so much because he's a pompous douchebag and a hypocrit. He refuses to answer questions about his movie unless they are pre-screened. He has a crack-team of people formulating his responses for him. That's real lame. He made a speech at the Acadamy Awards a year or two ago, and got boo-ed off the stage. Afterwards he was asked about it, and he said, "It was only a couple of people booing in reality, the stage crew just amplified the boo's to make them louder." That's fucking ridiculous. Get over yourself. When you say things like that, it shreds your credibility completely. How can I take somebody seriously after saying that the stage crew amplified the boo's to make them louder. He says he hates capitolism and that he's a socialist, when Capitolism is the reason he is filthy rich and such a fat lard-ass.

I really just feel bad for the people that he supports. It's like in that episode of southpark, Jimbo tries to stop the Ku Klux Klan from supporting his arguement. He knows that if the KKK supports him, his arguement, which isn't a wrong one, would be ruined. It's pretty obvious that Moore supports Kerry, but if I were Kerry, I wouldn't want Moore to support me. You know what I mean? Say you're arguing over say, who is cooler, Vikings or Pirates. You're saying Pirates are cooler. I'm saying Vikings are cooler. Then 50 cent and Eminem tell you that they think Vikings are cooler. Then Michael Jackson says Pirates are cooler. Now you're associated with a Child Molester with no face. I'm associated with "cool", popular people. Makes you kinda look bad, doesn't it. That's what Moore does to Kerry, I think. I think Moore's plan ultimately will backfire on him. That was a kinda political post. I should stop those, because:

1. I'm going to offend/alienate people, but then again, when have I cared before?
2. I'm not funny when I'm serious, and being funny is more fun anyway.
3. I only post political when I can't think of anything else, so this means I'm creatively spent until I return from Texas.

I'll be back on sunday night, hopefully I'll be able to blog again then, but otherwise no postin' til then. See ya mateys!
When I don't have anything to rant about, it's safe to say I can always rant about Michael Moore, Poor People, or People that disagree with me (anybody that chooses Pirates over Vikings, for instance).

2004-07-12T22:52:00.000-04:00

Vikings are cool. Do you like the show Viva La Bam? Well if you do, be sure to notice that two of Bam's friends are Vikings. Raab Himself dresses as a Viking in the intro to the show, and refers to himself as Raab the Barbarian! He also copied me, since I am the Viking Himself, and he is Raab Himself. He copied me because I created this blog before that show existed, therefore he is the copier. Therefore I've inspired a character on a television production. Also, Bam's friend Rake Yohn is a Viking by blood and definition.

Vikings have cool deaths, similar to Boromir, son of Denethor, Steward to the throne of Gondor. When Boromir died, he was placed on a boat with his sword laid across his chest vertically and his hands clasping the hilt. That's kinda like a Viking Funeral. It's dishonor-ful to die of old age being a Viking. You have to die in battle otherwise you don't go to Val Halla. Most Vikings didn't die though, they just kicked ass. Anyway, Viking Funerals involve being put into a boat with your weapon and armor(Vikings didn't use armor, their skin was made of granite). You also have your favorite dog at the front of your little boat, and then they light the boat on fire and send you out to sea. I want to have that funeral, so if I die, that's what I want! I also want a 21 gun salute, so I have to be a president or emperor (I already am an emperor though).

2004-07-11T21:25:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I got ~~tired and ate some cheese and drank some wine~~ pre-occupied, I ain't no Frenchman! Well, if you look back a couple weeks ago to June 29th of 2003, I posted about my Harmonica playing dreams. Today, July 15th (Whenever I don't know the date, I just make it the 15th, as seen in THIS MOST EXCELLENT VIKING POST!)... where was I? Ah yes, today, July 15th, is a day that will live in infamy (I think infamy means hunger, but correct me if I'm wrong). Actually, today is not a day that will live in infamy(hunger), because I ate dumplings and ribs and rice and brocolli and sour power and soda and juicey juice and water. And no, I don't really think that infamy means hunger, it was a dumb joke.

But I digress. There is no importance to today. There is importance in Yesterday, as the Beatles always predicted with that song ironically titled, Yesterday. Yesterday was my little brother David's 11th birthday party. Greg and I went with him to celebrate at Sports Time U.S.A., only the coolest place in the world! We played Laser Tag, and Greg and I were against the kiddies. We beat the shit out of them, and it was fun. Video games help us aim, take that Joe Lieberman, you video game hating scumbag! But I still like you because you're Jewish, and that's cool. But I digress again. At Sports Time, as many of you know, you can win tickets by playing games, and by winning tickets, you can trade them in for cool stuff. I wanted to get 1500 tickets to get Kayla a little Hello Kitty bag, but then I got addicted to the Ski Racing game and used all my tokens. Also, I played the dinosaur egg game, and it was fun too. So I ended up with like 120 tickets instead, and Greg and I decided to cash in our tickets! That is when we saw the greatest gift in the world right there at the gift counter. The Green and Red plastic harmonica's for 50 tickets! We got them, and the little guy/girl at the counter gave us our trade. Now the counter dude looked like an 8 year old guy, or a 14 year old girl, we couldn't decide which he/she was though. I digress once more. I took the green harmonica, as green is a guy color and red is for pussies *cough* GREG *cough*. Now I can fulfill my dream at becoming an expert harmonica player by the end of the summer. We decided we would make a music video last night, but we forgot about it and watched the tele and stuff. Greg left today though, so now I'm going to have to make a solo music video. The harmonica is mad cheap and ghetto though, and it makes only one sound, and it's a really annoying sound and you have to blow real hard to get it. It's mad cute. Here's a picture of my harmonica up against my balls so you can see the contrast in green to white. Just kidding, but heres the harmonica!

On a scale of one to magnificent, that Harmonica is BRILLIANT. On a scale of one to Antler, that Harmonica is Moose Scrotum. Hooray!

2004-07-09T11:18:00.000-04:00

Today is the second blogiversary of Frank J. (IMAO). This means he has been blogging for two years. This also means that it's international link to IMAO day, and if you have a blog and don't link to him, he will launch a full scale blog war on you, like he did to Glenn Reynolds last year. So for my link to Frank J., I chose an entry that I thoroughly enjoy:

You might be a Communist if..."

IMAO: Link to it today! I started reading IMAO a little bit before his first blogiversay, so I've been reading for over a year. Keep it up Frank.

That post always cracks me up. July 9th is also important because it's my older brother Zach's birthday. Right now he is in basic training, and when he gets out, he'll be able to kill things with his brain. He is 23 now, and that means he can legally drink, er.. - He could already legally drink, but he can do it again this year! Yeehaawwwww! I'm going to Texas for his basic training graduation, and when I go, I'm gonna buy me a duster and a pancho and walk around pretending I'm Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Awesome!

I saw Spider-Man 2 and I have some things to say about it. I loved Spider-Man, the first movie and thought it was everything a Spider-Man movie could be. I was wrong. Spider-Man 2 was incredible, it was a perfect blend of good acting (Especially Tobey Maguire, but also the supporting roles were great too, like Doc Ock and J. Jonah Jameson), great action, and great directing in general. I think it's one of, if not, the best movie I've seen in the year 2004. Also, I'm proud of myself for catching the Stan Lee cameo, and he was in it for like 2 seconds, so that was a good pickup.

Hmm, I have absolutely nothing to say because I woke up less than 20 minutes ago. Goodbye.

2004-07-08T22:11:00.000-04:00

I broke 5000 hits... normally I would be excited but that's way too little for excitment. I want triple that by the end of this summer. If I don't get my 15,000 hits by the end of the summer, I'm going to stop blogging. Just kidding. I better have 15,000 by the end of the summer though, or else I might cry or something gay like that.

2004-07-07T17:06:00.000-04:00

I didn't plan on posting today, but I have some pretty funny jokes lined up so I figured they would be funny to post and that way I wouldn't forget them.

1. An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!”

2. A waiter asks a patron, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

3. Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized. She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond. As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, “I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?”

4. Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

5. A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Enjoy.

2004-07-06T16:56:00.000-04:00

My new answering machine messages:

1. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

2. Hey, it's Reed, I can't get to the phone right now, but when the tranquillizers wear off I'll be sure to get back to you.

Number two is my current answering machine. I'm not sure which I like better, so I figured I'd have a poll on my blog for other peoples opinions. Leave me a comment so I know which one is more popular.

Here's one problem in my life: I like to throw diseases into my sentances, like, "Jeez mom, can you pass the herpes, I mean salt." or "Hey, how's it Leprosy today? Did I say leprosy, I meant how's it going."

The problem is, I've run out of diseases. I have used up all the STD's, and Cancer is so cliche. EVERYBODY says cancer, so it's not cool anymore. AIDS takes too long to die from, so it's not as fun. I've used up Typhoid Fever, the Plague, The Grip(AKA the flu), Gingivitis, Osteoperosis, Meningitis, and many more. Ebola Virus is just plain old scary. So I have to brainstorm some new ones for good usage:

1. Stomach Ulcer; Ex: "Hey, it looks really stomach ulcer outside today!"
2. Kidney Stone; Ex: "Wow, have you been working out? Your arms are as big as the Kidney Stone I just pissed out!"
3. Atherosclerosis; Ex: "Holy moly look at the jugs on that Atherosclerosis!"
4. Hemophilia; Ex: "If you say one more word to me, I'll slap you so hard you'll get Hemophilia, young man!"
5. Parkinson's Disease; Ex: "Are you on cocaine? Oh shit, you just have Parkinson's. Shit, sorry Michael J. Fox"
6. The Black Death: Just a variation on the plague.
7. Epilepsy; Ex: "Fuckin' Japs and their Epilepsy inducing TV.
8. Scurvy; Ex: "Pirate Scum, taste my Scurvy!" *Punch*

I can come up with more later, but I think that list is already offensive and depressing enough. Here's my second problem: In my effort to be random, I am now consistant. I'm consistantly random, and therefore I'm not random! I'm always using non-sequitors and making no sense, therefore you can expect me to do it again! Therefore, I'm not random anymore. So, to stop myself from being constant, I will NOT be random, therefore making myself random by doing something different. Here goes:

Today, I woke up at 11:30. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I took my meds 'cause Greg's dog gave me allergies. I went into my room and checked my messages. I read my messages. I checked my email. I went downstairs and played cards with my brother and my mom. I came upstairs and played video games for like 3 hours. I got off the videogame when my super-hero "Psychotic Nate" got his super speed power. I went downstairs and punched my dad. My dad brought home a digital camera. In the middle of my videogame session I had to get new batteries for my mouse because they ran out. Then I ate stuff, but nothing really. I ate an ices, a pretzel, three oreo's, a nectarine, a string cheese, and a peice of bread. I'm still hungry. I ate the ices over the sink while thinking about what to do today. I sat down at my computer and looked at it for a couple of minutes. I checked my blog for comments and stuff. I checked Alissa Mahlers blog because I got an email notification that she replyed to my mean comment to her. Kayla left me a comment on Alissa's blog saying I was an asshole for calling her sister "emo". I laughed and left a witty response, saying I would beat her three times for calling me an asshole. I decided that I was constantly random, which makes me not random. I decided I should write this entry. I started writing. I opened google to make sure I spelt Hemophilia correctly. I spelt it right. Brandon Akey just IMed me to tell me he agreed with my away message. I changed my answering machine to number two a couple minutes ago. I am completing this entry.

Woot! There I go, I did something normal, which makes me random for stopping my randomness to be normal. That is true randomnity. I just made up a word! This entry is boring and I love it. God Bless America.

2004-07-05T11:43:00.000-04:00

I'm at Greg's house, isn't that cute. I havn't posted in a while because Osteoporosis has made my finger bones brittle, and every time I tried to type a post out, my fingers would crumble off. It's a tough life. To fix this little problem, I had to duct tape my fingers back to my hands. It actually looks cooler now, because I look like a kung fu master, with duct tape wrapped around my hands. It's plenty brilliant, Mate.

Chris Kringle is a stupid name. How the hell does one get from Chris Kringle to fuckin' Santa Claws. In my perspective, Santa Claws is a cooler name, cause seriously, Kringle chips are pretty good, but I enjoy clawing people more than I enjoy eating chips. Pringles are stupid anyway, they are in Tennis ball canisters, and that's dumb. I like Tennis, and I like potatos, but whoever thought the infusion of both of these fine devices was a good idea, probably had Down Syndrome... Shit, he probably had Up Syndrome, which is when you've got too many twenty-first chromosomes and seventeen second chromosomes. That's some fucked up syndrome right there.

Two good jokes for you today, one courtesy of Liz Morissey(I hope I spelled it correctly), one courtesy of the fine, intricate internet.

Joke 1: Why are all black people fast?

Answer 1: Because the slow ones are in jail! Hehe!

Joke 2: What's better than winning the special olympics?

Answer 2: Not being a retard. Hehe!

Hooray for being politically incorrect.

Aww that's awful... Hahahah!

2004-07-01T10:34:00.000-04:00

Why doesn't the U.S. Government start doing this! (It's a joke! Don't take it seriously, you feds that read my website!)

Hot pockets are quite possibly the greatest invention of all time. They are quick and easy to make, taste great, yet fake, and they have lots of protein and carbs and stuff. They also have like 700 grams of saturated fat and 100 mg of cholesterol, but who's counting?

Last night I went bowling in White Plains, but it took us like 5 hours to get there, since my friend Crystal from out of state(Indiana I think) was driving and we kept getting lost. We saw the most peculiar sightings! We saw a fox eating a deer, we made like 9000 U-Turns cause she kept getting lost. But the craziest thing we saw all night was at about 10 o clock. We finally found the place, but only Gem really wanted to bowl at this point. What an Asian! Anyway, we get there, and I'm in the parking lot, and I see this guy running around across the street, and he's like frantically sprinting. I get closer to see why this psycho is just running in circles like a lunatic. Then I realized why I couldn't see it from a distace; A huge pack of four, maybe five woodchucks were violently chasing this guy, at his heels and stuff. I laughed a little, and he started screaming. Then, he must have gotten tired, so he stopped running, turned around and booted one woodchuck, all I see is this little creature flying through the air. It might've been knocked unconscious or something, cause it didn't return to the battle. The other beaver creatures just started gnawing on his leg, it was hysterical. I don't know what happened to the guy though, I kinda just went inside after he fell down and got scratched in the face. But oh god it was funny as hell. Don't mess with the beavers, son. You mess with the beaver, you get the teeth! So check this, we finally get inside the place, and I decide I'll bowl a game with Gem and Sarah. I slaughtered them, myself bowling a 165, and both of them bowling under a 50. And I hadn't even played since I was probably four or so.

I also learned that people from out of New York still listen to Hanson. I think the middle chick was the hottest, the youngest was second hottest, but the older sister really kinda just looked like a guy.

2004-06-30T20:07:00.000-04:00

For a while, I had heard of this band Maroon 5, seen people quote their lyrics on their info's and away messages, and hear people singing their songs. Myself, I had never actually heard a Maroon 5 song until about 2 weeks ago. I heard them on the radio. I was thinkin', "Man, these chicks suck pretty bad, their lyrics hardly even make sense!" I heard that song about a love and some toll it was taking. Whatever. So then like 2 days ago, I'm at Greg's house and it's like 1:30 and we're watchin' the tele. Jason, his older brother, comes into the room and takes the control. Let me tell you, Jay likes to watch some gay shit. So he changes the channel to some gay music shit, like VH1 or something, and there is like buncha girly lookin' guys prancin' around on the screen singing some shitty pop tune. It too me a little while to realize that it was that same song I heard on the radio 2 weeks ago, and I was so taken back, cause I honestly thought chicks sang that song. What the hell.

2004-06-29T12:06:00.000-04:00

Whoa, I havn't posted in like three days. That's bad Reed! I was in New Rochelle for a while, so that kind of explains it. There is something that needs to be spoken of, however. That is the Spicy Tendercrisp Chicken sandwich at Burger King. That stuff ROCKS! It's fried like 19757756 times and when you bite it, grease flows into your mouth. Now that's what I like in my chicken! Then they stole the sauce from the Kickin' Buffalo Chicken sandwich at Friendlys and put it on the superfried chicken. It's magnificent, fit for a king, possibly the king of burgers indeed. McDonalds on the other hand, brought back Chicken Selects, which are fuckin' awesome. Wendy's still reigns supreme.

I know my fast food. Not something to be proud of.

My new summer endeavor, since I could not obtain a job, is to become a world-famous harmonica player and a champion boomerang thrower. To accomplish these said tasks, I shall undergo a huge training ritual.

Boomonica training season: (Odd steps represent boomerang training; Even represent Harmonica training)
Day 1: Drink a glass of raw eggs and swing arm over head in a tomohawk fashion.
Day 2: Whistle a bajillion scales and chromatic scales, minor scales, and harmonic scales.
Day 3: Pick up a stick and throw it at a sedentary target, a tree perhaps.
Day 4: Blow dry somebodies hair from right to left using your mouth as a blowdryer.
Day 5: Pick up a stick and throw it at a moving target, children perhaps.
Day 6: Gargle water and purchase a harmonica.
Day 7: Throw a boomerang and become champion.
Day 8: Play the harmonica and release a smash hit album featuring the debut song "Realising the Beauty of Chewed Bubble gum."
Day 9: Play the harmonica whilst beheading demons with a boomerang, Xena style.

And so goes my plan to become the Famous Boomonica Champion of the World in exactly nine consecutive days!

2004-06-26T13:17:00.000-04:00

It hit me just now that I don't have school on monday. Exuberance! Now is a great time to reflect upon the school year of 2003-2004. Here are my reflections:

1. There are a lot of stupid people in this world.
2. There are a lot of irritating people in this world.
3. Life is not only about space aliens and robots, but also about kung fu ninjas and first century chinese warriors!
4. Chocolate makes you feel better when scary hooded creatures try to suck your soul out of your mouth.
5. When you drink 2 bottles of water at lunch, you usually need to go to the bathroom at seventh period.
6. Life is not only a box of chocolates, but it is a swamp with gold underneath it, or just a swamp, depending if you're fat or not.
7. Eww, fat people.
8. It's ok to be racist, homophobic, anti-fat, and anti-ugly.
9. It's not ok to be French.
10. I am a ridiculously offensive person.
11. The M4A1 rifle has good aim, but I prefer the AK-47.
12. The AK-47 works best when shot in bursts.
13. College sports are inherently corrupt.
14. School isn't very fun, I rather enjoy the summer.
15. Neuter means neither masculine or feminine, so now it makes sense when they neuter your dog.

That's all my conclusions/reflections to this school year.

By the way, I'm not really racist or homophobic or anti-fat. I just hate ugly people. Just kidding, I'm not any of those. Normally I wouldn't have to say this, because I feel that most people know that I'm joking when I say stuff like that, but I have to announce that I am joking because the government is reading my website when they do a background check on me. Now, I don't think the government would take that seriously, but I have to write this just in case for the sake of my beloved spy brother.

2004-06-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

Hehe funny card for fathers day.

2004-06-23T16:40:00.000-04:00

Xiahou Dun (?-220 A.D.) was a Warrior general of the Wei Kingdom in ancient China. He was a cousin and close friend of the General Cao Cao, also known as Tsao Tsao (General Tsao's chicken is named after him), and Xiahou Dun was a top ranking supreme General in the huge Wei Kingdom. He was so hardcore. He was the hardest core there is, possibly even harder than an apple core, and those cores are very, very hard. His eye was shot by an arrow from Cao Xing, an officer under Lu Bu (Fabled as the best warrior in history, also a douchebag). When his eye was shot, instead of going for medical aid, he plucked out his eyeball and ate it, saying it was a gift from birth that he should not waste. He referred to it as a gift from his parents, and he didn't want to waste it. Then he killed Cao Xing in one fatal blow. What a badass!

Last test was today. Woohoo! I need a job; I claimed just showing up to work one day might be successful in job searching, but I somehow don't think that will fly. So I've devised an over-elaborate plan involving robots, aliens, ninjitsu, and Phil Collins.

Job search scheme: Get a job, punk!

Options:
NOT CONNECTICUT; The laws are strange, Cold Stone Creameries are concidered restaurants, and therefore you can't work there until you are 16.
New York: This seems like the only other option, because every other state isn't very close to my house; Ohio would be close if it were where my house is, but it's not, and therefore it is far!

Job places:
Bedford Playhouse: That is one scary place. It's definitely haunted. Have you ever seen that place? It is eerie! It has like, a fireplace with fake wood and fake flames in it. It's like a haunted mansion, but without black people like in that movie, haunted mansion. Also I can't work in the Bedford Playhouse because of the things I intend to do on it's balcony...

I'm talking about re-animating flesh that I stole from the bedford cemetary, what the hell did you think I was talking about? *glances at a certain midget*

I don't know where else I can get a job, god knows I hate Scotts Corners! Michael Moore is fat, and Farentarded 9/11 makes me angry. And I hate fat people.

Job Plan
Supplies:
Doorknob, WD40 (that's for huffing in case I want to die), Pineapple grenade, Salt peter, Motor oil, five dates from the Balkans (The fruit, not five Greek Women), Ted Turner's testicles.

Procedure:
1. Take the Aliens, the Robots, and the doorknob and put in a single blender.
2. Sip quietly until half of the Alienbotknob smoothie is gone.
3. Spray with WD40 and preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
4. Spread the rest of the Alienbotknob smoothie across a greased pan.
5. Put in the oven when ready for 3-6 minutes.
6. Take out and let cool.
7. Tape Ted Turner's testicles to the top of the baked smoothie.
8. This should be a finished result, looking a bit like a prehistoric cro-magnon man, and a little bit like a child with some sort of disability or deformity... and by that I mean a fat kid. So it should look like a fat kid and a cro-magnon man. The finished result of this recipe should be Phil Collins. The testicles serve as his eyes.
9. Eat the Dates and drink the motor oil.
10. Make gunpowder with the salt peter.
11. Throw the grenade at [insert name here]'s house.

And that's how I propose I get my job!

2004-06-21T21:46:00.000-04:00

My hero! I havn't posted about my personal hero Fred Savage in a long time. Whenever I get upset or misguided, I think, What Would Fred Savage Do? And then I think, maybe Fred Savage would have his childhood narrated by Daniel Stern like in the "Wonder Years." Maybe he would play nintendo and then have an amazing book read to him by Peter Falk, like in "The Princess Bride."

The point is, Fred Savage is a real american hero. Or is that G.I. Joe? It doesn't matter, go Huguenots! Haha, only one school in the world could have a mascot as gay as a Frenchman and school colors of purple and white, and still manage to be badass.

2004-06-19T23:18:00.001-04:00

I have a real good post, but it will wait because I think everybody should read this brilliant piece of literature. It's a little lengthy but well worth the read... it's soooo funny, I mean Blackfive completely pissed off a French Army General.

Blackfive makes a French General cranky.

Back in 1992, I was a First Lieutenant (1LT) in the US Army. I was an Executive Officer - 2nd in Command of a Company - in the 3rd Infantry Division (3rd ID) and was headquartered in Wurzburg, Germany, which was nestled in the hills of the northern tip of Bavaria. It was the end of June, and I was getting ready to head back to the states.

Now, normally, when you are leaving one post for another, you receive about ten days administrative leave (read vacation or time off) in order to put your things in order - things like shipping your car back to the states, packing and shipping your belongings, and ensuring that you have properly filled out about ten reams of paperwork properly. It is during this standard, ten day period that you are considered untouchable for additional duty assignments. For all intents and purposes, you are supposed to be considered already gone...

Well, over the Fourth of July weekend, the 3rd ID was going to celebrate it's 75th Anniversary. Major General (MG) Keller, the Division Commander, was going to bring every living 3rd ID Medal of Honor (MOH) recipient to Germany. This meant that each MOH winner would need a junior officer as an escort. You guessed it, MG Keller caught me in his net for junior officers even though I was supposed to be left alone.

Please understand that is was a great duty to escort a MOH winner - so I didn't complain - hell, I wanted to meet the heroes and I ended up as escort officer for Ola Mize. He was a Sergeant when he received the MOH and ended his career in the Army as a Colonel. He was a great guy, very easy going and funny. I really liked being around him. I even had the Division Staff Duty Officer - charged with knowing everything that was going on at night and had keys to open every building - open the bowling alley on base for Colonel Mize at midnight so we could bowl and have a beer. After bowling, I dropped the colonel off at his VIP suite. I caught up with the other junior officers who escorted MOH winners that day, and the consensus was that every single one of them were great guys. All of us had been treated with enormous respect. Hell, I bowled and drank beers with an amazing American hero that I would have willingly carried on my back around the base.

After the initial night, Colonel Mize received a higher ranking officer to escort him around by daylight. So, I said my goodbyes, shook the colonel's hand, and went to find out if I was still needed for escort duty. Colonel Mize's last words to me were, "Someday, Matt, you will have the honor of being led around by a lieutenant. When that day comes, don't be a jackass."

My next duty was to escort a French general who was being treated with Dignitary status. His name was General Jannier (pronounced Jza-nay), and he was one of the French Commando Brigade commanders. Since I had served in the American Special Forces, it was thought by the officer making the assignment roster that we would have something in common. I was disappointed that I didn't get another MOH winner, and, quite frankly, would rather be packing up my belongings rather than escorting a French General around. Actually, I would rather have had a colonscopy than spend time with a French General.

I took General Jannier on a tour around the base, to an orchestra concert, and various other festivities culminating with a walk down a static display of equipment. What is a static display? It is where you put stationary equipment (like tanks, helicopters, hum-vees, weapon systems, etc.) on display for guests to view. Usually, you have a Sergeant stationed at each piece of equipment, and the Sergeant, in a docent-like role, will describe the equipment in great detail. Almost always, it is the Sergeant's actual equipment - meaning, the Sergeant is the subject-matter expert on the equipment.

General Jannier did not speak English. He had an American Army Captain as an interpreter. As I walked with the General, the Army Captain interpreter stopped each Sergeant from talking about his equipment - instead, he insisted that I describe what we were looking at and then he would translate it for the General. When I asked why, the Captain just said, "Lieutenant, just do as the General asks."

As we moved along, it became more and more apparent to me that General Jannier did not think very highly of enlisted soldiers. This thought began to grind on my nerves because I was a "mustang" - meaning that I had been a Sergeant before becoming an Officer. Sergeants (Non-Commissioned Officers) in the American military were more educated, motivated and dedicated than ever before - and they served for a pitiance and most could qualify for welfare/food stamps. Couple this with the fact that the General would mutter things in French while I was describing the equipment and you can probably tell why I was getting a little irritated. I kept getting the impression that he was criticizing the US Army with American Sergeants looking on.

So we walked through the static display as I described various personnel carriers, hum-vees, radio equipment, etc. with the Sergeants just looking on with an "WTF" expression on their faces. The Captain would tell the General everything I said in French. After an excruciating hour of this, we reached the M1A1 Abrams main battle tank - it was immaculate and magnificent. The M1A1 is 60 tons of homogenous steel that can move over 30-55 mph over rough terrain and blast an enemy's army right out of its path. The M1A1 was the darling of the Persian Gulf War in 1991. Standing in front of the impressive tank was a Sergeant that could have posed for a recruiting poster. To me, the M1A1 display was a work of art.

Holding up my hand to stop the Sergeant from describing his M1A1, I began describing the tank in great detail. It has an impressive array of weapons, and roles of the crew are interesting. While I was talking, General Jannier made some comments in French under his breath. The Sergeant assigned to discuss the tank's attributes gave me a confused look.

I thought, That's it! I can't take any more of this arrogant bullsh#t!

But, because I had a lingering doubt that the General might actually be sincere, what I politely asked was, "Captain, what did the General just say?"

The Army Captain interpreter replied, "Lieutenant, don't worry about it."

I grew more insistent, "Captain, what did the General just say."

The Captain, exasperated as well, just mumbled, "He says that it is inferior to the Leclerc (French) tank. That's all."

My incredulous voice went up a few decibels, "Inferior?!", a few more decibels, "Why?!! Because it doesn't have three gears for REVERSE?"

The smile on the M1A1's Sergeant's face was priceless. However, the Captain turned white as a ghost. I could read the "Oh SH#T!!!" look on his face. General Jannier looked stunned, then you could see his eyes narrowed on me, his smirk faded into a sneer.

The Army Captain's face tightened up. He turned to me to address me directly, "Lieutenant, General Jannier can speak English. HE...JUST...CHOOSES...NOT...TO!"

Oh SH#T!!!!

I was replaced by another escort officer (faster than you can say "Your career is OVER!"), told to stay in my quarters, received a General Letter of Reprimand for pissing off an allied General Officer (conduct unbecoming), and ordered to stay away from all French nationals on base.

For awhile, this story was told at the Officer's Club or at a poker game - more often than not to poke fun at me. Now, it seems to be a badge of honor. I couldn't have done more to piss off the French Army

2004-06-17T20:31:00.000-04:00

I need a good rant, but nothing has been pissing me off lately... I should say nothing NEW has pissed me off recently. The same old things piss me off. Eating Chinese Delivery tonight made me realize how much I hate living so far from Chinese food. This is the first time I've had Chinese in so long. It's depressing, I'm a jew, and I need my ~~protein~~ I mean ~~Leprosy~~... er, um Eastern Delicacies!

I watched Full House today for the first time in years! That crazy Uncle Jesse! STAMOS! Why do you have such awesome hair?! Why did you have such a hot wife?! Why did she leave you?! Are you a scientologist?

I've always wanted to be a gargoyle! Like in that animated series back in the day with goliath and the whole gang. They flew around protecting New York. I also loved Beast Wars, and that crazy rat and optimus prime and cheetor! Best shows ever! Also, both had sweet action figures, I still have my Gargoyle action figure, but I don't know what happened to my ape transforming optimus prime II. He's the Optimus Prime II because Optimus Prime I didn't have a surfboard, duh! I figure the best way to get a job is to show up and work really hard without applying and then they'll be like "Hey, this guy is good and he's got so much devotion to what he's doing that we should hire him!" So I started cleaning up Burger King and the Mexicans kicked me out because I was coming to THEIR country (kisco) and stealing all THEIR jobs (floor cleaners?). I want to be a gargoyle now, so now I'm going to climb to the top of buildings and look scary and pounce on elementary school kids! Only problem is that the sketchy pidgeon loving schizophrenics that live on the rooftops might kill me for coming to their country (Nebulon sector nine, I think they're confused as to where they are) and stealing their jobs (being crazy?). Oh well.

2004-06-16T21:55:00.000-04:00

I owe you a good post because yesterdays sucked. So here is what I have to say:

FUCK YOU!!!!

I owe you nothing.

2004-06-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

Today I was hanging with my bus driver, El Jefe, and we were playing backgammon when the rival bus driver, Three-Tooth Petey and his imaginary friend, Harlem, came and challenged us to the game...

Francis Ketchupbowl

The object of the game Francis Ketchupbowl is to win, obviously.

2004-06-13T20:45:00.000-04:00

Saw Shrek 2, and Puss in Boots was the greatest.

I said "My leige" Today, and somebody asked what it meant. Here is my response for whoever doesn't know:

Leige is like lord... like what you would say to a king.

King: "Servant, summon my horse."
Servant: "Of course, my leige."
King: "Sir Knight, kill that servant he's taking too long!"
Servant: "Please have mercy, my leige, I didn't mean to take so -- Ahhh my head; it's bleeding!"

I'm a firm ruler.

I'm doing a report (not for school, for fun) on my new favorite topic: ~~Herpes~~, I mean Space Aliens and their various modes of transportation. Here is the information I've arrived at so far.

1. Space Aliens drive in fancy little vehicles called U.F.O.'s which stands for Unidentified Flying Object. I find this to be a stupid name to give to your vehicle, because it's obviously identified if it has it's own name.
2. Space Aliens are not to be confused with Illegal Aliens, because one comes from Space, and the other comes Illegalia.
3. Illegal Aliens often times drive in old vehicles called MexMobiles. These come in the form of Landscaping Vans, any car that seats 2-4, but has 8-12 people in it anyway, or it could be a 1970's chevy that has been lowered and has hydraulics.
4. Space Aliens, much like Sexi Italian106 love to anal, and therefore they stick things in peoples bums. They claim it's in the name of science, but that's why we have proctologists. I think they just like it.
5. Space Aliens can look like Llamas, but are usually green.
6. Space Aliens have robots to do everything, so they should be careful that the robots don't take over and put them into a computer universe much like the matrix.
7. Come to think of it, the Matrix doesn't make much sense, for many reasons, but if we were really in the matrix, why would the machines let us make a movie about it, so that we could all be notified and revolt. That makes little sense. If real machines took over, they wouldn't let those filthy Wachowski ~~Brothers~~ Brother and Sister (one got a sex change) make such awful sequels... especially if the sequels detail their own downfall.
8. Burns a cross on the Wachowski Brother and Sister's graves.
9. Space Aliens can either go invisible, or go through your stomach.
10. Space Aliens and Predator will be in a new movie soon.
11. Space Aliens are sometimes Natasha Henstridge.
12. Space Aliens hate Sigourney Weaver, except in Galaxy Quest, in which case half of them hated her, and the other half was Tim Allen.
13. Sigourney Weaver has a funny name. So does Arvydas Sabonis.
14. Apparently, TV shows are actually happening, as is the case in Galaxy Quest.
15. Aliens sometimes like to genocide humans, and some like to enslave us. Sometimes they are bugs, and sometimes they are working for the bugs because the bugs enslaved them. Either way, they like annihilation and slavery, therefore I like them.
16. There are sometimes good Aliens, and sometimes there are sexy blue, and sometimes green, woman Aliens. This is the case in MANY of the Alien stories I have read about.
17. All Aliens like chinese takeout, this one time a group of Space Aliens demanded to be on Iron Chef vs. Masahara Morimoto, or else he would get angry and throw a tantrum.
18. Aliens are sometimes cute, like Ewoks, but that's in a different galaxy far, far, away, long ago. Aliens these days have big teeth.

There are more Alien facts, but that's for another day! Here's a picture of a real live Alien that is my friend. His name is Elvis. He wanted to be named Bjork, but I was like, "No, shutup Elvis!" He's a bitch.

2004-06-10T17:17:00.001-04:00

My english homework; only I could write a poem about how life is like a Lightsabre and get a 20/20 on my assignment.

The Lightsabre

The lightsabre; a potent tool,
With careful authority,
Not meant to fool,
Held with the utmost audacity.

The trick with a lightsabre
Is that you follow your own destiny
And you use the force
For the good of the people

With proper care, a lightsabre can take you great places
But whilst forging your destiny,
You won't always make the right choice
Which can inevitably lead to self-destruction.

Now if that isn't the greatest analogy to life, then I don't know what is. My most brilliant/cheesey poem ever! I can't believe I pulled off a 20 out of 20 with such a ridiculous topic!

2004-06-09T21:52:00.000-04:00

Senior prank day: Lame.

This years senior prank was pretty lame... that is why we sophmores must formulate our ideas right now. We have to do something insane, on the edge, but legal still. Heres what I've come up with as of now.

1. Play a game in the middle of every hallway that I like to call "Sledgehammers." The object of the game is to toss as many sledgehammers as you can in one minute, and whoever kills/gives brain damage to the most freshmen wins.

2. This is not such an original prank. We spraypaint a large red penis onto every single door in the building.

3. Light the bathrooms on fire... oh wait, that's already been done, 6 times this year, and 13 times last year. Damnit.

4. Stab your teachers!

5. Pee on the floor.

6. Create a super virus and plant it on all the computers, enabling me to control the United States Military, with which I will stage a Coup D'etat to take over as Princeps!

7. Ride around the school in a car while blasting gangster rap music.

Eh, I'm out of ideas... for now!

2004-06-07T18:27:00.000-04:00

So I brought Geekdom to an entire new level by watching LoTR: RoTK three times in the first week that it came out on dvd. That's exactly 10 hours out of my week that I spent watching LoTR. I brought it beyond that new level by then proceeding to get ring tones for the entire LoTR soundtrack, and then put them on my phone. The Geekdom level has reached unlimited proportions when I downloaded the entire TRILOGY soundtrack and played it, while visualizing and pretending the parts of the movie where those songs were played. Anybody come up with a geekier accomplishment this week, and I'll give you some chocolate.

Harry Potter Three, quite good, superior to the first and second editions of the series. Three was my favorite of the books. Hermione (Emma Watson) is going to be so hot someday. She's going to be a freshman next year, so I figure I got a chance at scoring with her. Emma Thompson was also in Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban, and she was pretty hilarious. Whilst watching the movie, I said to myself, "Is that Emma Thompson?" and I was right. I was right because I'm all powerful and omniscient. Harry Potter Three had a pretty excellent cast, Gary Oldman (Fifth Sense) and David Thewlis (Dragonheart, The Big Lebowski) were new characters in this movie. The new Gandalf, just kidding, Dumbledore looked convincing enough, but didn't have as much of the old wise man feel to him. To be honest, most of the kids I thought were recasted, like Draco and Neville, but it turns out that they just hit puberty... figures.

School ends in three days. Three things I want to do before Highschool Ends:

1. Inflict the herpes on the Freshmen class of 2007, and next years Freshman class of 2008. Unfortunately for me, somebody already did that, so I'll have to give them something different, like the grip, or the plague.

2. Throw up on a teacher I don't like.

3. Steal all the balls out of the computer mice and switch them with other mice... nobody will ever know, heh heh heh... oh wait, nobody will no cause it makes no difference. Damnit.

2004-06-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

Sorry I havn't been posting much, I have no internet in my room for like a week. Here is my speech even though I lost, damn those Illegals!

Hello! My name is Reed Branson and I am running for Emperor of the junior class, though the technical name is president. You should elect me for Presidemperor, and here is why! I have the best ideas this century has ever seen, that will help our class be cooler and significantly more awesome than any other class in the history of the universe! Now, for your own health and safety, I can’t reveal all my secret master plans just yet, but here are a few.

I will, of course, continue our annual Basketball tournament, and I will try to establish a 2v2 badminton tournament as well, with prizes and bragging rights for the winners. If you want the glory of being Fox Lane’s most awesome badminton duo, then this will do you well! I have also thought about an event that I call “Fox Lane Gladiators” which is modeled off of American Gladiators. In this event, I would have four very athletic boys and four very athletic girls be our school gladiators, and then I will challenge anybody to try to defeat them! Another idea is Fox Lane Idol, where people could try out to be the American Idol of our school. I’ve even got an angry, critical British man who could help judge! I have other ideas as well, but they shall not be unleashed until I am in office! As a further incentive to attend our awesome fundraisers, as if you need further incentive, I will attend all these events allowing you, the common man or woman, to bask in some of my residual awesomeness.

My Presidemporial cabinet would be very diverse, with J.Lo as the secretary of dancing, David Bowie as the secretary of Music, Steven Spielberg as the secretary of space aliens, and Colin Powell as the secretary of state!
Now I know what you’re thinking! You’re thinking “Why should I vote for Reed; Reed is a stupid name.” The truth is, Reed is not a stupid name! So vote for Reed Branson as class Presidemporer and the halls will be made of candy and gummy bears. The strawberries will taste like strawberries; the snozberries will taste like snozberries. Vote Reed Branson. Thank you.

2004-06-02T17:41:00.001-04:00

Tommorow is election day, when I will be crowned emperor of Fox Lane's Junior Class. My speech is excellent, and I will be posting it tommorow, as well as my results, after school.

Nothing makes me more furious than the concept of a Sponge Bob Square Pants movie. Whoever the hell came up with that show should be drawn and quartered, like in the olden days. I abhor that show with an ardent passion. What do people find funny about it? Every one of the characters in that show is fuckin' annoying, and the show is just lame and not particularly funny. I don't understand its appeal, but it really offends me on the inside when people I respected and thought were extremely smart end up liking that show, calling it brilliance. Those people deceived me, I thought they were good, smart people, but no self-respecting good, smart person would enjoy those sorts of shannanigans! Let's critique it right now!

Sponge: He is painful to look at, it seems like a five year old was trying to draw a person, but had no conception of shape or proportion, and therefore royally screwed up, but his dad thought it was cute and made a shitty show out of it. His voice is shrill and annoying, almost as bad as Fran Fuckface's is in "The Nanny." He is stupid! He is obnoxious! He is outright unappealing in every way! I think that's the point, I think he's supposed to be stupid, and that's supposed to be funny... but it's not funny, it's just painfully dumb.

Starfish: He is also dumb, but at least he extracts a smile from me from time to time. He's not so bad, but it's just like using the same joke over and over, ok, he's stupid, ok, that's funny. Fine, but it gets old, He is also a pain to look at, and he tends to be obnoxious and annoying at some points.

Squid: Jesus, could you have a character that whines any more? While sponge is annoying and boisterous, Squid is just a pain in the ass. Ok, he's supposed to be sophisticated and a snobby elitist. They portray him as an asshole because It's not "Cool" to appreciate art or music, or fucking PERSONAL SPACE. He's supposed to be sensible and clever, but sponge always manages to One-Up him by sheer chance... sounds like Inspector Gadget to me, except turn something cool into a lame-ass sponge with a high pitched voice, who has absolutely no respect for the people around him and the only thing he can do well is flip fucking burgers.

Snail: Ok, he's a snail and he says "Meow." Somebody fuckin' enlighten me and tell me why that is supposed to be funny? Is it the irony of a fuckin' snail saying something a cat normally does? Ooh, that's fuckin' clever, some fine humor right there.

Squirrel: Annoying, end of story.

Crab: The one character I genuinely enjoy, he's all about making money and being a covetous asshole. That is funny, kinda reminiscent of Danny DeVito in his role in Big Fish.

Plankton: Kinda funny, mostly lame.

Shit, CatDog was a better show than this, and catdog completely sucked balls! Nickelodeon (or should I call it MTV Jr.) is on a steep steady decline.

2004-05-31T20:35:00.000-04:00

I had planned to write a post making fun of the European males these days, but now I figured I'd make fun of world trends in general. Let's start with the Ghetto look and work our way down.

Ghetto Look: It's like a contest about who the hell can dress the most ridiculously. The ghetto look is to wear long fuckin' shirts that go below your knees, but the rest of the shirt is in proportion to the rest of your body. They are called longshirts, I saw them being sold somewhere. What the fuck? Do they realize that longshirts look like sleeping gowns. They act all tough, but when I see a ghetto kid, I don't think "Damn, don't mess with him!", I think, "Damn, I might as well make that kid my bitch, he looks like an ugly girl in a long pretty dress." Ok, onward to the du rag. Well the du rag isn't that bad actually, it would be the equivalent of a bandana. But then you get these retarded ones that are like multicolored, or have ridiculous patterns. And then they match their entire wardrobe. What are they thinking? "Today I'll wear brown, which means brown pants, brown shirt, brown shoes, brown du rag, and brown hat to top off the du rag." You honestly just look like somebody took a big dump on your clothing. And this segways into my next topic: Pink

What the fuck is with guys wearing pink? Preps, Gangsters, metrosexuals, all wearing pink these days. I don't care what the government tells you with their mind control machines, Pink on guys is always homo. As secure as you are in your sexuality, if you are a male and wearing pink, you are gay, end of story.

European males are all gay. I think they are competing with the ghetto kids on who can look more retarded. Ok, they wear these ridiculous tight clothes with strategically placed manufactured holes and seams and patches of faded color. Now ripped clothing and clothing that looks like you shit your pants is in style? What the fuck?! If you want clothes that look like that, buy blue jeans at kohls for 100 dollars less, and then shit them yourself.

What is with guys caring about their looks? What is with guys keeping up on fashion? I can understand staying with the latest fashion if the fashion doesn't involve looking like lady/clown/asshole. Any girl that loves a guy who will get his eyebrows done, a guy who owns more than 4 pairs of shoes, and takes more than 45 minutes to get ready to go out, is a lesbian. That girl is a lesbian, because her boyfriend is the equivalent of a big gaping ba-goina. There are exceptions to the rule, however, like one of my friends who shall not be named, who cares about his looks but manages to be badass and pretty cool nonetheless.

2004-05-28T19:13:00.000-04:00

Mr Davidson would not let me put up my new election campaign posters because they read, "Vote Reed Branson for Class Emperor or the Terrorists have already won." Fascist Assistant Principal!

I've come to a revelation and I'm converting to Animism. It's not widespread as of now, but I will preach it's cause and maybe get some converts. I came to this conclusion two nights ago, with the help of my dog, Spot. Animism is the belief that there are natural guiding spirits. I believe that Spot is one of them. Two nights ago, during the thunder storm, he came into my room, EVEN THOUGH THE GATE TO UPSTAIRS WAS LOCKED! He shed all over my floor and unplugged my computer, he even shut off the power strip.

Then today, when I got home from school, he talked to me. Spot said "Reed, I know you thought I was just being a douchebag when I fucked your computer up and got dog hair all over your room. I know you thought that because I heard you say it when you woke up and saw all that dog hair. Then I heard you telling your mother that you were going to drop kick me. That is why I was found hiding in the bread drawer this morning. Nevermind though, I have an important lesson in life for you! I unplugged your computer to free you from it's grasp. Life these days revolves around computers and electronics, and not joy and satisfaction! I then shed all over your room to show you that you shouldn't care about material possessions! Have some self-respect Reed, and take care of things that mean something to you! Take care of your Family and Friends and Pets!"

I then slapped him in the face with my belt, which is why there was blood in the house today, sorry mom, sorry dad. But then I thought about what he was saying. It made sense, a little, so I converted to Animism. Spot is a guiding spirit. I think that the Animal God, Rafiki the Baboon, (yes, he is mentioned in the Lion King out of sheer coincidence) Threw a lightning bolt at Spot during the storm, transforming him into some super-powered god door, which explains how he flew up to my room with the new wings he sprouted! It also explains the new wings he sprouted!

I hope this has touched everybody very deeply, though it may not be as touching as a Catholic Priest. It may not seem as intimate as the touching that one recieves from a Catholic Priest, but I will do my best to enlighten the world!

2004-05-25T17:04:00.000-04:00

I've been wondering about this for a really long time... Since Sunday I guess. Anyway, I've been thinking about Sin, mostly just the seven deadly ones. Well actually I've only been thinking about one sin. The sin is called Sloth.

Now I understand that they are really lame, and not particularly cute, but don't you think it's a bit of an overstatement to call a sloth a sin? It leads me to wonder why God hates them so much. I could find a much more annoying animal any day of the week. Like the Ostrich, which I will henceforth refer to as an "Osterch." Why isn't Osterch a deadly sin? They are much weirder than sloths. Sloths are weird, but do they really deserve their own sin? This question has been on my mind, so I've decided to research sloths. Here's what I found:

Sloth Facts:
1. Sloths were invented in the 1320's by a man named Granola S. Marcazy.
2. The original purpose of the sloth was to provide tech support, but then people decided that Indian's are much better at doing tech support, so Sloths were disregarded.
3. Sloths are endangered species now, not because they are few, but because they have a Sloth-Mafia, in which every sloth's life is in danger.
4. In 1390, Sloths were sent to exile in South America, where they we known as Incans.
5. In 1404, the Sloth-Incans of South America created the AK-47 rifle.
6. In 1492, Christopher Columbus and Mark Hamill fought the Incan Sloths. The sloth's would've won with their AK-47's, but Chris and Mark had space alien mind control devices.
7. Mark Hamill flew to outer space with a dirty Frenchman named George Lucas.
8. Christopher Columbus mind controlled the sloths and sent them to the Middle East, where they would be known as the Arab people.
9. In 1500, the Sloths created Islam, and suicide bombed anything that looked Jewish.
10. George Lucas kept sending crappy movies to Earth, but nobody wanted to see them.
11. George Lucas mind controlled the Human Race and convinced them that he created Star Wars, while it was really Robert Duvall who created the masterpeices. The new ones actually are by Lucas, hence the suckiness.
12. The sloths, now called Arabs, still havn't progessed.
13. In 2006, the Arabs go extinct.

Here is a modern day sloth/arab! Thus, this is the true history of Sloths, and it makes sense now why they are sins.

2004-05-24T18:55:00.000-04:00

I havn't been able to post lately because of some minor electric problems, or lack thereof. Today I would post something original, and funny, but I have something special and funny that I must post (with commentary from me!).

Are You a Barbarian?
Take our quiz now to find out.

1. You arrive home from work after a long day and you're feeling hungry. Do you:
>>Enjoy a handful of nuts and a ripe banana?
>>Make a turkey sandwich on whole-wheat bread
>>Pull out a frying pan and make a steak sandwich
>>Dig a giant pit in your garden, sharpen the end of an umbrella and stalk the neighbor's pet cat

[I of course chose choice 4, to dig. Jesus and Everybody know that I hate cats, but conversly love to kill them. I also love stalking, and I dig holes for no reason.]

2. Your boss tells you that the company’s dress-code rules will be relaxed every Friday, and that you can wear whatever you want. Do you:
>>Turn up to work in a suit - it’s best to keep things professional.
>>Wear an open-necked shirt with a pair of casual pants.
>>Wear ripped jeans, a beer-stained t-shirt with an offensive slogan on the front and drive a steel pin through your tongue.
>>Arrive at work shoeless, sporting an all-in one wolf-skin jump suit and an iron helmet.

[I came to school dressed in a suit and tie for the hell of it. I even wore an eye-patch one day, with a suit and tie. When my ninja suit finally arrives (damn thing's on backorder), I will wear that to school. What's to stop me arriving without shoes and wearing the skin of the wolf that my attack dogs (hootie!) slayed. Also I wear helmets everyday to protect my head... you just don't notice because my head sticks out of it. Choice 4!]

3. After reading a local newspaper, you learn that your neighboring town has lower taxes, better schools and more money than the town in which you live. Do you:
>>Shake your head a few times, before turning the page to the next news story.
>>Write a letter of complaint to the Mayor.
>>Turn up at a meeting of the Town Council and stage a one-person protest
>>Gather up some buddies, invade the neighboring town and declare yourself King.

[Jesus and Everybody knows that I hate protesting, I hate Mayors (They make the crappiest Hot Dogs, I prefer Hebrew National to Oscar Mayor), and I don't read the newspaper. I would never know that the neighboring town is better, but I would invade it nonetheless because I often speak of taking over the world! Easy, choice 4!]

4. You’re visiting a friend who lives a three-hour drive away. Half-way into the trip, you get hopelessly lost. Do you:
>>Take out your GPS cell phone and download the correct route.
>>Call your friend and ask for directions.
>>Dig out the coffee-stained map from the under the front seat and try and figure out the route yourself.
>>Get down on all-fours, begin sniffing the ground before tossing small leaves into the air to gauge wind direction.

[Choice 4, I did this yesterday... again however, I don't drive, I only Canter, Stalk, and Pounce to transport myself, and sometimes I fly. The fact is, I'm always tossing leaves up and sniffing things, lost or not.]

5. A campaign is launched to save a 300-year-old tree in an "environmentally sensitive" area of your home town, after developers announce they want to build on the land. Do you:
>>Join the protesters on a march to the Town Hall, demanding the tree be saved.
>>Sign a protest petition and wear a "Save Our Tree" badge.
>>Express indifference toward the whole campaign. After all, it’s only a tree.
>>Venture out under the cover of darkness, chop the tree down with an over-sized flint axe and hollow out the trunk to create a makeshift fishing vessel.

[I hate hippies, I hate protesters, and I hate the environment. When I see hippies, I litter right in their midst. If I saw those faggots parading around a tree, I might just eat the tree, and spit splinters at them! Choice 4 is the closest I come to an answer, because it involves not being a pansy]

6. A good friend criticizes your appearance and suggests you undergo a makeover. Do you:
>>Get a sleek, modern haircut and spend thousands of dollars on designer clothes.
>>Buy a new pair of shoes and make an appointment at a hair salon.
>>Brush your hair into a different style and polish your shoes.
>>Attack your friend with a ten foot spear, burn your personal grooming products and bathe in a pool of stagnant water.

[There is nothing to criticize... I am unstable, violent, and cruel, and though I might not necessarily use a spear, I would definitely harm that individual. I may use some sort of pitchfork, battle-axe, Kama-Hook, or something ridiculous instead of that spear. I would make sure to burn the products in front of that individual just to make it better. Choice 4!]

7. It’s 6am on Sunday morning and you’re desperate for a good cup of coffee. You drive to your local coffee shop, only to find that it’s closed. Do you:
>>Sigh in disappointment, drive back to your house and brew your own coffee.
>>Drive another five miles to the all-night diner. You can get a coffee there.
>>Wait until 9am, call the coffee shop and shout at the owner.
>>Erect a giant wooden catapult, bombard the coffee shop with large rocks and steal all the merchandise.

[I didn't read the choices, I just saw the words "Erect" and "Giant" and chose that one because it made me laugh. I bet that's what I'd do, cause it's choice 4 and that's how I roll!]

RESULTS:
Barbarian to the Bone
Attila would be proud. You're unstable, violent, erratic, selfish, maniacal and generally a very unpleasant and dangerous human being. With just a little sprinkle of cannibalism and a healthy dose of pillaging, you'd slide perfectly into Barbarian culture like a sharp sword through human flesh.

Definitely sounds like a description of me! Even the Cannibalism is something that applies to me, especially since I just finished eating some human leg.

Another day of my life is completed, and I really know a lot more about myself now. I am even more awesome than one can fathom.

2004-05-20T21:28:00.000-04:00

In conclusion to yesterdays analysis of Barney, I must say that Barney should be classified not as the T-Rex, but as The Megasaurus.
This new classification of dinosaurs is the one that all the gay purple dinosaurs fit under. It is pronounced (Mega-Sore-ass).

2004-05-19T17:15:00.000-04:00

Some grave injustice has been bothering me for quite sometime now... in fact, I guess it's been bothering me since I was about 5 years old. I have decided that today, May 15th, 2004 should be the day that I reveal this injustice to the public. I choose today, May 15th because I am 15 years old. Wait, I just looked at a calender and I have seen that it is indeed the 19th of May. Ok, there is no date significance anymore but here I go.

Barney the Dinosaur: What the fuck?

Who's bright idea was it to take the most terrifying creature of all time and make it completely homo. Was anybody doing that show aware that dinosaurs eat children? That's just as bad as taking a fucking Grenade and making a TV show about how "Paulie" the Grenade goes around making friends with enemy soldiers. And on top of that, make the Grenade Suit rainbow colored with a peace sign on it and then put some old pedofile in it. The Tyrannosaurus Rex is the king of all beasts in all of the Earth's history! It is called the Tyrant King Lizard for a reason you retards! I don't believe we have records of any gay, pedofilic, carnivorous dinosaurs from the Cretateous era. If somebody finds evidence of that faggot, let me know.

Ok, that theme song? "I love you, you love me... blah blah blah" It makes me want to genocide an entire group of people, and then defile their graves... and then cosume the souls of fifteen infant humans. I don't think Dinosaurs could sing. I think they just went "Raaaaaruggh ARRRRRRGHHHHH phghhhhhhhhm". None of that hippy "we love eachother and respect diversity" bullshit. As far as I know, Dinosaurs were ALL belligerent, and they hated diversity and hippies, which is why they were so awesome. The show Barney takes away from this whole concept of belligerence and awesomnity! He's purple! That's just awful! Also, I'm pretty sure Tyrannosaurus' couldn't fit in a building... I'm also pretty sure that, even if he was well fed, a real dinosaur would've devoured those children. Sesame Street had it right! They had friendly animals like Birds and Space Aliens and Black people! You know, Child friendly creatures. Dinosaurs and children DO NOT MIX.

Now let's compare a real T-Rex to Barney!

Barney.

Barney should be like this!

Wow, Barney is so homo. I wish I had a real T-rex, so I could train it and ride it and make it rampage so it can eat children and Barney. I also wish I had mutant wolves that could chauffer me and maul people.

All in all, I conclude this post by saying that Barney is a faggot, Sesame Street is nice, and I am God. I(God) bless you all.

2004-05-18T22:17:00.000-04:00

Genesis Devine shall now be refered to as "Genitals Devine."

My plan will begin ASAP (After Somebody Allows Penguins) in our school.

The First Superhero I ever invented... His name was Evan Burrows, and he was "The Blue Marmot"! His story is as follows...

Born in the town of Syosset in Long Island, New York, Evan Burrows was left an orphan when his mother died at birth. With no record of a father, Evan was left to starve to death. Abandoned in the wilderness outside the Indian Point Three Nuke-ular Powerplant in upstate New York, Evan was raised by a band of nuclearly enhanced groundhougs. His adopted parents, in attempting to give him a normal Syosset upbringing, trained him for his Bar Mitzvah. Whilst partaking in the strenuous Bar Mitzvah training, Evan's latent super powers manifested themselves.

The first Jewish super-hero... (besides me)

2004-05-17T18:31:00.000-04:00

I havn't blogged in a while... It's because that previous conversation was too hilarious. In English today, we were told to make an analogy to life... like "Life is a box of chocolates." Here are some that I came up with.

1. Life is a swamp, but it has gold at the bottom.
It's pretty self-explanitory, basically I'm saying that life is dirty and hard to navigate through, but then theres gold at the bottom, so the ugly swamp is actually valuable. But some people don't have gold under their swamps... some people are just ugly swamps of life... these people should be genocided.

2. Life is a turban (Credit to Joe on this one).
Life is like a turban because you have to cover those damn arabs.

3. Life is starburts.
Life is like starbursts because it is colorful, and is sometimes really joyful, like the pink starburst, but then sometimes it sucks donkey testicles, because you can sometimes get those plum starburst. The plum starburst taste like shit, and that is like part of your life that is shitty, like when your friends all beat you up with golf clubs, and then you get cancer and your girlfriend leaves you for the guy who works at club mobil in new rochelle... that's like the plum starburst of life.

4. Life is like Onions.
Life has layers, and is therefore like Onions. But not everybody likes Onions, and not everybody likes life. But for the people who like life, it's like parfaits.

5. Life is the sketchy Mexican who lives in the phone booth outside the movie theater.
Life is like this Mexican, because not everybody understands or appreciates life, or the illegal alien from Mexico City.

Now I have to choose one of these to write a poem on for homework... I don't know which to pick, so I could use suggestions.

I'll post something funny tommorow, I'm kinda tired today, so all you get is my English homework today :-P.

2004-05-12T19:32:00.000-04:00

I stayed home today and then me and Zach went to friendly's. I conveniently wore an eyepach, therefore becoming a cyclops and thus enabling myself to shoot beams of energy at people. So we sit down, and we're across from this old couple. We order our shit, get our drinks, and all of a sudden the old man looks to the side, and burps. It was FUCKING HILARIOUS. I was cracking up it was so good. He was like 80 and just turned and burped, right there in public.

So on monday I was real late to health, and I rushed into the classroom. Coach goes, "Reed, why are you late?" and I'm out of breathe and panting (to pretend I just ran really fast to get there), and I go, "Coach, I just Diarrhea'd all over the hallway" and I sat down. No questions asked. Next time I'm late to class I'll say, "Coach, I just got caught in my zipper!" He must've been so shocked by what I said that he's not going to ask any questions. It's a brilliant strategy.

On a lighter note, My ninja suit should arrive soon, and I will be a real vigilante, fighting crime wherever I go, with my tonfa and my sais and my 13 inch Katana. Oh wait, my parents won't let me get a 13 inch Katana Blade. Therefore I shall fight crime with my 13 inch penis. Did I say penis? Oh good, I meant penis!

2004-05-10T20:00:00.000-04:00

I'm planning to run for Emperor of the Junior Class! Well, officially it's called president, but I'll just refer to myself as Emperor.

Things That I Intend to Do in My Lifetime

1. Two girls at once...

Ok, that's the whole list, need I anything more?
Just kidding.

2. Eat an entire cow... raw... and I mean like, go to a farm, pick a cow, and chase it and beat it to death, then proceed to eat it, skin, fur and everything!
3. Kate Beckinsale.
4. This is a dumb list, I'd rather list things I hate...
Things I hate: Continued

1. When you're playing a video game, and you're about to kill something, and some douchebag runs over and gets the last hit and genks like half of your experience. Bastards!
2. When waiting in line, and the person in front of you farts.
4. People who can't count.
5. 14 year old girls that parade their bodies on the internet looking like trash, you know who I'm speaking of... it's downright inappropriate, and therefore we're going to make fun of you.
6. People that think they are hot, but they arn't, because they arn't me.
7. Communists.
8. Nickelodeon becoming MTV for kids... it's sick.
9. That upcoming movie with Jude Law... It looked interesting until I saw it had a retarded name like "Sky Captain and the Expedition of Flapping Wings Tommorow in the Future with Scientists and Robots." It's actually called "Sky Captain and the World of Tommorow" but that is seriously the most ridiculous name for a movie... I thought it was going to be good, but I can't bring myself to see a movie with such a stupid name.
10. That Volkswagon commercial that looked like it was a preview to a movie, and it looked like a kickass movie that I really wanted to see, and then I found out it was a commercial and I got angry and knocked over a table!
11. Hermits... they bother me.
12. GOD DAMN THAT COMMERCIAL LOOKED LIKE SUCH A GOOD MOVIE, THEY SHOULD FREAKIN' MAKE IT INTO ONE! ARRRRGH!
13. The Coalition of Mammalion Forces (CMF).
14. Wait, I made up number 13... heh, sorry!

2004-05-08T23:53:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here's how it goes... I am walking on the sidewalk with my snazzy suit and Sarah is by my side. Slowly, a minivan circles the parking lot, and dramatically slows down as it approaches us. Literally five feet away from us, a door slides open and a kid tosses an egg at us. He completely misses, and the egg didn't even splatter on us. Like it was a complete miss. First of all, who the hell drives around in a minivan and think's they are being badass... it's like "Hot ride, I really love that '98 Honda Odyssey." Second of all, if you're going to be that obvious, slow down five feet away from us, and slowly open the door just to toss an egg and miss somebody completely, go kill yourself! I mean jesus, it's not like it even spattered on my shoes! Eggs explode, and hit for a wide range! How could they possibly miss. They are failures at living.

Me and Sarah got in a big debate on whether Vikings or Pirates are cooler. I of course argued that Vikings were cooler, myself being one. We asked a lot of people, some that we didn't know at all, and only 3 of them said pirates. 8 said Viking. Also, the 3 people that said Pirates were a gay guy and two chicks who looked like they just love Johnny Depp... He's not even a real Pirate, he's Keith Richards. Everybody who knew the least bit about World History said Vikings were cooler.

Viking Facts:
1.Vikings raped, looted, pillaged, and burnt on both land and sea, and more frequently than Pirates.
2. Vikings have cooler names (examples: Sven Olofson, Olof Svenson, Leif Erikson, Erik Erikson, Thorkhild Leifson, Freya Svenson, Bjork the Dancing Viking)
3. Vikings have the last name of their fathers plus the word son... (Svenson, Son of Sven, see?)
4. Vikings were devious on land and on sea.
5. Vikings discovered America (Had a colony in New Foundland)
6. A Viking dude last year got attacked by a shark, so he punched it and killed it in one punch!
7. Swedish people are good looking!
8. Vikings went into entire towns and plundered as a way to survive. I like to think of Vikings as the Ninja's/Mongols of Scandinavia.
9. Norce Mythology is so awesome, they have the coolest beliefs (Odin, Fenris, Loki, Thor, Freya, Val Halla, Ygradsil)
10. Vikings attacked with battle axes and were totally buff, like 6'4" and 250 pounds. They could go berzerk and you can shoot them like a million times, but then they still come and kill you!
11. Vikings can shoot fire out of their fists of fury!
12. Vikings have hottubs.

Pirate Facts:
1. Johnny Depp is not a pirate, he's a frenchman.
2. Real pirates were grimy, dirty and had scurvy.
3. Pirates were real assholes.
4. Pirates now-a-days in the South China Seas are just a buncha lowlives with M-16s and Machine guns.
5. Pirates sailed around, didn't bath, and boarded ships and stole the goods, then threw everybody off and let them drown.
6. Pirates could be on the sea for months at a time without seeing women, therefore Pirates, like the Navy, turned out to be gay a lot of the time.

Make your decision, but if you know true facts from world history, Vikings are definitely cooler.

2004-05-07T20:25:00.000-04:00

My profound statement of the night: "Tommorow I shall be liberated from these iron chains of bondage and cockblockery!" My evil parents made me stay home tonight. And then the comps weren't working, so I had to fix them... and I did with the power of awesome!

Since Zachary J. (J for jooooo-ish and for jesus-killer) Gottleib decided that yesterday's post was sub-par, I'm posting now. My favorite word has been changed. I used to say "I will smite you" but now it is "I will slay you." It sounds so medieval, and medieval almost has the word evil in it. I command everybody who looks at this blog to harass Sexi italian106, and I know there are many of you who REED my blog, so I expect many harassments!

UPDATE: ZACH JOOO-ISH GOTTLEIB WAS WRONG, BECAUSE SARAH LIKED YESTERDAYS POST, AND SHE IS A HOJILLION TIMES MORE BENEFACTO!

And here's a magical equation I just published... I shall call it the Pythagoreedan Theorem: -Log[Bruce Lee] > Jet li > A four year old retarded kid taking Kung Fu lessons from a guy named Steve Sohn... and by retarded I mean retarded, like with drool and stuff... Hahaha retards are so funny, I sometimes want to dropkick them, and then I realize that God made them this way because he was pissed at their parents, and therefore they've already been dropkicked... in the groin!

Like 5 or 6 times.

2004-05-06T19:53:00.000-04:00

You know what pisses me off? Lot's of things, so now I'm going to complain about them!

Things that piss me off!

1. When you go to a deli and get corned beef, but it's cold... I'm jewish and I do not approve of such blasphemous acts!
2. Twist caps that don't tell you they're twist caps, so you search everywhere for a bottle opener and then you find one, and your friend is like "Dude, it's a twist cap you douchebag."
3. Bottle caps that require a bottle opener, cause you're thinking "Ok, last time it was a twist cap, so why should I bother getting a bottle opener?" and then you try to open it, but your hand just bleeds and then you're not even thirsty any more.
4. Carribou... they're fucking deer, I don't understand the need for such a ridiculous name!
5. Elk... heh, nevermind, Elk are totally svelt.
6. The Apocolypse
7. Leaving things in my pockets and throwing them in the laundry... Solution: Don't do laundry anymore.
8. The sun, it burns!
9. In fact, I quite like thunderstorms... they are so tranquil and peaceful.
10. Jonathan Swift... he writes classic satire, but then he makes it ridiculous by capitalizing words in the middle of sentances... it's awful.
11. Communism
12. I especially hate %n... what kind of screename is that!? Oh shit, %n only works on aim doesn't it... ok screw that.
13. My arch-nemesis "Herpetitus C/K"
14. Yttrium, it is by far the worst element on the periodic table.
15. Jolly is the most fagtastic(fag + fantastic = fagtastic) word in the world

I'm jolly!... it seems like it segways right into the sentance ... and now I'm going to adorn these homodiculous (homo + ridiculous = homodiculous) leather pants and wear this pink scarf.

I'm jolly and now I'm going to adorn these leather pants and this pink scarf... see, jolly makes that sentance so much gayer.

2004-05-04T21:58:00.000-04:00

Hahaha ok, so my dad read yesterdays post about the conversation, DESPITE MY URGENT MESSAGE TO HIM! He told me it was sick shit. He also called it raw... is that a good thing? I thought it was funny that he read it! Anyway he gave me a great idea! He said I should do latin homework translations for everybody, so send me your latin sentances and I will translate accordingly. Anyway tonight will be a short post considering I have the AP test tommorow, and the huge post yesterday that everybody still needs to read... so to conclude this post, I post another round of Reed Libs™.

(Historical Figure: Lee Harvey Oswald) would go down in the history books for (Time period: 15 days, approximately). He is famous for his work in (Skill/trade: Tic-Tac-Toe board carving). When he was (age: 3,000 years old!), he had an epiphany. He is famous for his declaration that (Opinion: The black numbers on the roullette wheel are better than the red ones, and I'm not just being racist, it's true). As a teenager he was (adjective: delicious on rye bread), but the only person who ever knew this fact was his (Family member: Transvestite Uncle Horace). All in all, his memory carries on because he was influential in the areas of (Area of study: Anatomy) and (Another Area of Study: Gynecology).

Completed Reed Libs™.

Lee Harvey Oswald would go down in the history books for 15 days approximately. He is famous for his work in Tic-Tac-Toe Board Carving. When he was 3,000 years old!, he had an epiphany. He is famous for his declaration that the black numbers on the roullette wheel are better than the red ones, and I'm not just being racist, it's totally true! As a teenager he was delicious on rye bread, but the only person who ever knew this fact was his Transvestite Uncle Horace. All in all, his memory carries on because he was influential in the areas of Anatomy and Gynecology.

2004-05-02T18:04:00.000-04:00

Hahaha, Sergei my favorite person ever has written again about how Harry Potter is an allegory to his little conspiracy. He also called my blog lame! What a jerkwad. The AP test is on wednesday! I'm psyched, it'll be about as much fun as an amusement park! Speaking of which, some inferior mortal beings and I (Being The Exalted One; that's like TEO which is like Neo, and Neo from the matrix is like jesus) have decided that if I ruled the world, all the ugly people, minorities, and gays would be sent to the sun and everybody cool would come live near me in the Carribean. I choose the Carribean because it's more convenient to be a pirate there than it is in New York. The entire world would be an amusement park with cotton candy.. Pretty much, the world would be how I said Mount Kisco should be in an earlier post down there.

I havn't had Chinese food in so long... my jewish power is fading, soon I won't be able to run the media and the government anymore. I need my take-out or else I won't be a competant accountant. What in the world shall I do if I don't get any Chinese food in me? Will Jewper-Man be able to defeat his nemesis "The Allergy"? Will he get his Chinese food in time? Will he finish his Jew-do training before it's too late? Find out on the next episode of Jewper-Man!

2004-04-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

I'm so fucking stoked, new kickass video game today!!!! Three Cheers for City of Heroes! Hoorah Hoorah Hoorah!

The Cluckin' Russian Serge has posted again! I left him a comment on his first post! His second post wasn't as entertaining but it was far more looney! Still entertaining actually haha.

Herpes: Operation Dumbo Drop, what a crazy ass movie. Speaking of which, yesterday my brother and I were watching UHF (I think that's it's name), the Weird Al Yankovic movie. It's soooooooo dumb and ridiculous, I was cracking up.

Here goes a new round of Reed Libs:

Marvin was a (noun: hmm let's pick jew) Jew from the planet (adj: Retarded works!) retarded donkey schrodum. On weekends, Marvin likes to (verb: Gun down infidels) gun down infidels whilst hanging with his good buddy, (noun: feces?) Feces. Feces was always (adj: putrid) putrid! He loved to be pet and coaxed by (animal: Pythons) Pythons. Marvin whilst (verb: Hopscotching) hopscotching exclaimed, "Howdy my ears look (adj. : Flacid) Flacid today!" They both then had fun sharing their (disease: Meningitis) Meningitis.

Marvin was a jew from the planet Retarded Donkey Schrodum. On weekends, Marvin likes to gun down infidels whislt hanging out with his good buddy, feces. Feces was always putrid! He loved to be pet and coaxed by pythons. Marvin whilst hopscotching exclaimed, "Howdy, my ears look flacid today!" They both then had fun sharing their meningitis!

And that is how my mind works.

2004-04-27T19:14:00.000-04:00

My 2000th hit is going to be within the next two days... I'm so excited! This month alone, I've had an almost 1000% increase since I started, and a 500% increase from February, and a 100% increase from March (I doubled my hits since then, but March had much more hits than february)... It's like my hits are exponential!

I'm going to take a huge crap on my floor!

My brother gave me an excellent idea for when my blog gets famous. I shall call all my Readers, Reeders! Clever ;)! So Reeders, make me famous! My brother Zach, fourth dragon lord of Westchester county, is going to be a spy. I hate him, because now that he's going to be a spy for the government, no matter what I do I can't be nearly as cool... Unless I become an astronaut or the president or a film directer or a cooler spy... or maybe I could be a true samurai! Oh well, I need my Reeders to help me become cooler than him by making me famous, so get to it you lazy bums!

I vommitted all over this girl who walked into my chem class today... she came up to me and she was like "Are you Reed Branson?" and I replied "I'm going to vomit all over you, and then Kung Fu kick the projecter out the window." and She said "What the hell?" And then I vommitted all over her, and she cried... Then I Kung Fu Kicked the projecter out of the window, and it hit a bird on the ground and killed it. It was definatly weird, but Mrs. Shea watched the whole thing and after it was done, she was like "Brilliant Job Detective, I'll get right on it!"

HERCULES!!!!!!!!! Kevin Sorbo, you are my hero! And Michael Hurst, the dude that played Iolaus! My favorite line today is "Thought I looked like Henry Rollins, but I still look like Phil Collins" It's from a Nerfherder song.

2004-04-25T15:49:00.000-04:00

HAHAH!!!! I've stumbled upon the funniest blog out there! There is this Russian dude who believes there is a conspiracy of plotting Frenchmen! It's freakin' hilarious and I think you should check it out. In fact if you don't check it out, you're really missing out, I wish I could write shit like that as a joke!

Http://s4t.blogspot.com You should bookmark this page or something it's hilarious!

Last night we had dinner in the city as a family for my grandmother's birthday and they screwed up at the restaurant, and we were there for 4 hours. They kept fuckin' up the orders and taking things back and it was ridiculous. Granted, my food was great and I got it right away, but practically everybody else got fucked over by the kitchen staff. As a result, we got free dessert and drinks on the house. This brought up an excellent idea in my crazy head... I thought to myself, Time really doesn't matter to me! So here's what I'll do: I'll go to a fancy restaurant and keep complaining and sending back the food until I get something free! It doesn't matter how long it takes, I'll just go to the restaurant 2 hours before I'm hungry so by the time I get my free food, I'll be ready for it.

I am the king of scams, Watch me pull off the biggest theivery ever and not get caught because I'm the king! I'm also the king of no pants.

2004-04-23T19:16:00.000-04:00

My plan to make Mount Kisco not suck:

1. Build an amusement park, and charge free admissions.
2. Create a living dinosaur, people would love that.
3. A cotton candy machine in every single building.
4. Midgets on stilts (just imagine how funny that would look... huge legs and no torso whatsoever... midgets haha).
5. Shootout duels, where you get to duel people and shoot it out in the center of town like in those old westerns.
6. Ethnic Cleansing... and by Ethnic cleansing I propose we give all the poor illegals a big shower!
7. Cops should be required to wear Burka's and Sombraro's, and they must hand out bags of jelly beans!
8. More jungle gyms.
9. Possibly some street venders that sell cheap shit... no screw that, that's just lame.
10. Annex Elmsford and steal their sport-time U.S.A. (I loved that place as a child).
11. Speaking of things I loved as a child, We need a Discovery Zone.
20. Mutant Wolves that will chauffer me around, but also maul people when told.
23. Fireworks everyday, and roman candle fights.
14. A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!
15. Fred Savage.
16. More Asian people... those crazy Easterners are hilarious!
17. Mr. Taco from New Rochelle starts a chain of Mr. Taco's up around Kisco, and we can get sour power again! YES!
19. 72 Virgins from Adonai to each and every member of the Compularity Religion.
22. Good bands live every night in a little hang-out called "Ned's Place"

That would make Mt. Kisco totally awesome, and better than any other city EVER! If the stupid mayor would only listen to me, we could be having much more fun!

2004-04-22T17:26:00.001-04:00

Wellness day: What the fuck is wrong with Fox Lane? Oh, I know, maybe it's the gigantic fucking baseball bat stuck up it's ass... Ironic, who would've expected that the giant baseball bat up Fox Lane's ass would make that ass so enflamed that our administrators would throw a god awful day like Wellness fucking day. More like Hippy day, let's all play with flowers and sing songs and fuck puppy dogs. C'mon, fucking puppies is ok because it's found in nature! Filthy hippies smell like Not-shower(dirt) and petruli.

Fred Savage will lead us on the road to salvation! Hooray! On a scale from one to excrutiating pain, I have a badass motherfucking headache today. On a scale from one to lametastic, Hippy-day was lametarded.

My brother exclaimed last night, "What the Heckwad?" and that's funny.

You know what else is funny? Scabies.

2004-04-20T19:14:00.000-04:00

Bransonianity shall be renamed Computalarity... It has been renamed to this because, like scientology, it has to be a made up word that sounds both futuristic and spiritual... like Computalarity! Also, Bransonianity was really hard to say.

I've written my first sacred text, called "What Would Branson Do?" Here is an excerpt from [Dichotomous; 31:87]:

[WWBD; The Book of Reed; Dichotomous; 31:87]
Why Marius Diocletian Branson is so cool!

Well truth be told, not too many people question the coolness of M.D. Branson! It's pretty obvious that he is much better than the general populace... in fact the only cooler person is Fred Savage, the prophet of all prophets. However, if you were to ask why M.D.B. is so cool, you would be deemed an infidel and slain to our cause! Infidels! *Ululate, stab your neighbor, and howl at the moon*. Anyway, Computalarity is a religion of the sword... or knife rather, where if you oppose us, we stab you in your kidneys till you bleed a lot, hopefully bringing about conversion. If you don't join us you're an infidel, or a jooooooo! Anyway, M.D. Branson is just totally sweet, and there is no way to dispute these facts that are self-evident! [Psalm 23]

"Oh Marius,
Praeclarius,
We wish we could be as awesome as you,
We will kill many infidels and maybe a jooooo."

Jay Ay Why, Kay Ay Why (JAY KAY!) [JK] {Just kidding!} we like the joooos, I was formerly one. Anyway our new religious project is to erect(Hah hah, I said erect... LOL!) a statue of me in the center of Greenwich Village... Lots of freaky people and hippies frequent there, but we may be able to convert them...

Viking Ay You Tee (AUT) [OUT!]

2004-04-19T18:25:00.000-04:00

I love Fred Savage!!!!! I don't love infidels! JAY PEE guys, I'm Just playing!!!
Hee Hee Hee!

Should I work my shitty job at the PR pool again? For some, the answer may be yes, but then again, you must take into account the fiscal responsibilities involved in such a high tech occupation. I'm thinking of other ways to make money this summer... I figured I might go to NYC on weekends and breakdance and carry a bucket for people to put money in when I busta-crazy cracka' move. I could be like a phenomenon in Central Park where each weekend people come to see this 15 year old cracka' break it down like none other. Holler at me yo!

Speaking of Phenomenons, John Travolta is sucha lamer. He's a scientologist apparently, just like his old buddy Tom Cruise. Scientology is fagtastic. (If you are offended by my jest at the shittiest cult ever, I don't give a fuck because no filthy scientologist bastards should be reading my blog! Out with you! NOW!)

Actually this brings up a great new idea for me! I'll start a "religion!" My first move will be to change my name to Marius Diocletian Branson so that when I write the sacred texts, It will be written by "M.D. Branson" and everybody will buy the text cause they think I'm a doctor! My religion shall be called "Bransonianity." There will be a heirarchy of holy men in the Bransonian religion. At the top will be Supreme Hope (like pope, cept with an H... haha if you added an O and got rid of the E in pope, you'd have poop... haha and if you got rid of the BNSON in Branson, and added a DIRHEA, you could re-arrange it and get Diarrhea. HAHAHA) Anyway, I'd be the Supreme Hope of the Bransonian institution. Below me would be my Fagtican Sparrows (like the fagtican cardinals), and below them would be some sort of clown for your entertainment. At the bottom of the heirarchy you could have a big fat guy who doesn't move around much, and he would yell at you if you got out of line, but he wouldn't do much else cause he's fat. What a bastard.

Who will join me on my road to salvation? It's a simple and obvious answer, so I know I will! Be sure to pick up a copy of "What Would Branson Do", by M.D. Branson.

2004-04-18T13:22:00.000-04:00

Kill Bill: Volume 2

Excellent movie! It was comparable to part 1 and maybe even better. It contained more humor than part 1 and it had better dialogue. It had more plot than the first part as well, and it wasn't just gratuitously violent, though it was pretty violent :-D. As good as it was, my brother and I think that it could've been done better. Some things didn't quite make sense. I can't really say what they are without spoiling the movie, but basically Tarantino creates and develops characters a certain way, but then he gives them closure in ways that don't fit with their character and it's just odd, it doesn't quite make sense and it's a little disappointing. Apart from that, it was pretty sweet.

I just got my super-nintendo working, Oldskool holler at me yo! We were missing a plug for it, but then I got an idea. I figured nintendo is run by a bunch of nips that want to make money and save it where possible (those crazy nips :-D) so I figured, when they come out with a new gaming system they would be too cheap to make new cables for it. Well I was right and I used the N64 cable to use on my super-nintendo and now I'm playing oldskool Zelda and Mario. And you can't have Mario without saying Yo!

It's so beautiful out, so no more blogging, more outsiding.

2004-04-16T18:24:00.000-04:00

Seeing either The Punisher or Kill Bill: Volume 2 tonight... when I get back I will write a lengthy review. I got my new "Blog Icon" working, it says "The Viking, Reed, Lord of the Seas." I tried to add cool cowboy bebop music, "The Real Folk Blues" but for some reason it isn't working, even though I went through a lot of trouble to host the sound file. :-(.

I want my blog to be famous, so for anybody who reads it, spread it along to other people... Someday I shall rule this land. "It is a fertile land, and we shall call it... This land!" - Firefly****. Spread the word.

****- Firefly is a kick ass show that aired on Fox sometime in the past but was cancelled due to poor administrative duties by Fox Five and no advertizing. Nobody has heard of it, no wonder it got cancelled... they also aired it on friday nights so who's watching TV at that hour? Anyway, they're making a Firefly movie because the DVD sales did well (remind you of family guy, also on fox?). If the movie does well, the show might make a comeback. Anyway I suggest you rent the Firefly show DVD's they are really good. The movie is called Serenity. Spread the word on this too...

Viking!

2004-04-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

In health we had this crazy Asian chick come in and talk to us about Domestic Abuse. She was really helpful and gave me all these tips on how to objectify and subjugate women. She told me that I should mentally abuse them and I should hit them when they get out of line. She told us all these ways that men subjugate their women. I'm so happy coach Klauss is finally teaching us something useful.

There was some holocaust surviver at our school today and he had to go through so much. It really sucks, and although at the end he told us not to hate for it, I can't help wanting to bust-a cap in those Nazi Krauts.

My question has still been unanswered, though I asked many a jew... Is Ba-goina kosher for Pesah? I mean it could conceivably contain yeast in it, so what's the deal?

I respect and love Eric (I'm assuming Raue, but I'm not sure, it simply says Eric) for this... Hilarious I say! Especially the use of the word in a sentance. Good Job Eric!

2004-04-14T19:12:00.000-04:00

As promised, I did my comic called Aardvark and Stereo and put it up on some site... It's hard to see though cause the site wouldn't let me upload the .bmp and .jpg's have shitty quality. If you wanna see the nice one or the original copy, ask me. You can see it HERE!

No more posting that comic took a while to do. I'll post tommorow.

2004-04-13T17:03:00.000-04:00

I used to get happy meals back in the day. Happy meals are so homo! They used to give us little toys made out of cardbord. These days happy meals have CD's and shit in them. Hell, they have like full body halloween costumes at happy meals these days. But seriously, I swear to god my little bro came home with a little CD once, no joke! It had like 2 poppy crap songs.
[/happy meal rant]

Hooray, today was the first thunderstorm since the year 2004 began! I love thunderstorms, but my favorite type of thunderstorm is the late afternoon ones that you sometimes experience in the summer time and it's kinda humid out. I like those, if you ask why, I will simply respond be hitting you in the groin four or five times...

Today is a very important day in history... exactly 2 years ago to the date, I learned that not every person on this earth is a good person. I now realize it is our personal duty as human beings to make sure these people do not procreate... You must be sure to nail them in the groin as frequently as possible!

I hate hippy's! Seriously! I'll cut them, ese... One of the funniest things I've experienced this year was when I walked out of school and overheard some Hispanic kids calling eachother ese... Internally, I was like, "Holy shit, they really do say that! All stereotypes must be true, it's no wonder I can find a lost quarter even if the lights are out! My Jewish senses and intuition lead me to all the coins on the floor in a given area!" And that's how it went down, ese.

Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
I've decided that I'll have a regular post on something each day, you know, something you ocan count on being there, a continuous post of some sorts, if you will! I'm still pondering what my continious post of some sorts shall be, but it may involve an Aardvark and possibly a state of the art sound system, really I don't know, it's not completely thought out yet... Maybe I'll draw a comic strip to go with the continuous post! Sounds excellent! Have a nice feces... Did I say feces? I meant evening, Have a nice evening!

2004-04-12T17:12:00.000-04:00

Update: Gemra Chema, it's on, you're going down :-D!

Time for a serious post... I'm sorry but it has to be done. Sometimes when things get rough, I look to my friends. Sometimes when things get rough I look to God. But today I realized, that when things get rough, you should look to Kevin Sorbo, the guy who played Hercules on the timeless classic "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. Did you know that Bruce Campbell was on that show?! He's my hero!

I'm Ving Rhames, Bitch! Chappelle should do that skit! That would be funny.

Prime Minister.

2004-04-10T22:21:00.000-04:00

Break is over, I want to cry... I want to cry diarrhea tears. That was a gross and unnecessary comment, which is why I said it.

Want to know what else is gross and unnecessary? Paper cuts on your eyes... blood dripping all down your face... delicious. It's also gross and unnecessary when people fart on your sandwich when they work at the deli.. haha that's kinda funny actually. You know what else is funny and gross and unnecessary? Herpes... HAH HAH HAH!

Exuberance.

Do you believe in hypnosis? I didn't until a minority came up to me asking for cash and I peed on him. The bastard got angry and he hypnotized me with one of those fireball yo-yo's I played with in 4th grade. Then, he made me chop off half of each of my fingers. So I said, "Hey ese, I'll cut you!" and then he took my money and bought a hooker. What a bastard!

2004-04-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

Charlton Heston.

2004-04-08T17:04:00.000-04:00

Penny Arcade had a hilarious comic yesterday, I suggest you check it out.

We're on a mission to make all the kids buy Nickelodeon magazine. It's got tons of cool stuff and recipes and goo. So ask you're parents "Nickelodeeeeeeeeon Magazine." Does anybody else remember those commercials? Every time I think of one of those retarded advertising menace's, I slit the throat of nine innocent kids... and by kids, I mean baby goats, not Human children.

My creative juices have run dry since I havn't been able to eat bread since monday. Not-bread is the bane of my existance. Actually not-eating is the bane of my existance. I changed my mind, Renegade Samurai Sorcerers are the bane of my existance. And that squirrel in my yard that figured out how to get to the birdfeeder, even though it's guaranteed to be squirrel-proof.

Humphrey is the most ridiculous name ever. If your name is Humphrey, do us all a favor and kill yourself. Screw that, if your name is Humphrey, kill a whole buncha bad people and then kill yourself, so that way, you can do us all a favor, and get rid of our criminals. If anybody named Humphrey has been offended by this post, too bad, why are you reading this? Why arn't you killing yourself and some criminals with you? Actually, new idea. Kill your parents for naming you Humphrey, then legally change your name to Zebulon. I mean Zebulon is a pretty weird name, but it's better than Humphrey, and at least somebody cool like me picked it out for you.

2004-04-06T13:16:00.000-04:00

Pesah! Time to be a Super Semetic! Hooray! When that movie "The Hebrew Hammer" came out, I wanted to become a Jewper-Hero (like super hero, but jew) named "The Semetic Screwdriver." That would've been funny. Matzah Matzah Matzah! Like the Brady Bunch, Marsha Marsha Marsha. The Bradyheimergoldstein Bunch: "Matzah Matzah Matzah! Mom Greg won't give me any of that Lox or that knish! Make him share!" Heh heh, If they put that on TV, I want to be paid for thinking of such a brilliant idea. We could get Rob Reiner to direct the Bradyheimergoldstein movie, and we all know what classics he directed (not to mention the Princess Bride, A great flick indeed)

I was totally unaware that Corey could be short for Cornelius. Cornelius ad viam appiam cistam portat. Eucleides et Davus ignavus laetus ambulant. I figured out that Corey could be short for Cornelius when looking up the brother of my hero, Fred Savage. Ben Savage played a character called Cornelius on the timeless classic "Boy Meets Squirrel".

Haha Boy Meets Squirrel, another great show I can create. Ok check this, start's with my favorite child actor, Dustin Diamond (even though he's like 26 now). So Dustin starts the show off with a narration about himself and who he is. 5 minutes into the show, he'll walk outside and get in an intense Kung Fu fight with a rabbid squirrel. Then, Dustin dies of Leprosy. THE END! Special thanks to Sly Stalonegro.

2004-04-04T14:16:00.000-04:00

Being ungrounded is good... Good like gonorrhea!

Holy shit, I just realized something... Fingernails are so weird. Like seriously, what the fuck. I was just staring at my thumbs for like 10 minutes and I was thinkin' to myself "What the fuck, why are they here? Why isn't my whole body made of nail so that it hurts a lot more when I headbutt people? I wish my whole body was made out of nail, that would be totally awesome. And when I get bored, I can bite on myself and spit little peices of me at people I hate that sit infront of me in class. Like Max Dorfman in chem (seriously Max, you best wash your hair after sittin' front of me when I'm chewin' my nails).

I swear to god my nail in between my "Fuck you finger" and my pinky has a secret message engraved in it. I examined it real closely and my nail has the words that are on the ring from "Lord of the Rings" (the holy bible). It's like enscribed in my nail, the language of Mordor and it translates to "One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them." That is fucking carved into my nail, therefore I must have secret evil powers. No joke, I'll let you look if you want!

And now for Reed's Question of the Day: Why am I so Weird-tarded? (that's like weird and retarded but in one word)

Discuss your answer in the comments.

2004-04-03T16:18:00.000-05:00

Just saw Hellboy. It is very good, I suggest you see it. Go now! Are you going? Good.

Reed's person of the day: Anthony Michael Hall

Still grounded! But I'm "taking back sunday", No stupid pun intended. I get to go out tommorow night. Daylight savings time, woohoo! I got into a kung fu fight with a guy on the street today. He was standin' outside the movie theater and he looked kinda suspicious. So I kung fu kicked him in the groin, and then he deployed his ninja stars. I ate them, as they were chocolate. Then he swept my feet out from below me and as I fell, I knocked him out cold with a double kick to the chest, which knocked him down and put him out for the day. After this whole ordeal, I was awarded the title of Kung Fu King and there was five car washes (with sexy girls doing the carwashing in bikini's) in my honor. Hah, nobody else get's five car washes in their honor, and if they do, I'll Kung Fu chop his head off until I get more car washes.

2004-04-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

My 1000th Hit is today!! That means we get to celebrate, I'll bring the beer! We're going to have a Yahtzee tournament to celebrate this fine event. And now, we burst into song:

"Happy 1000th hit to you, Happy 1000th hit to you, Happy 1000th hiiit dear Reedy, Happy 1000th hit to you!"

Oh to avoid any misconception, by 1000th hit I mean 1000th person to visit my blog kingdom (not my 1000th hit from a marijuana cigarette; Drugs are bad m'kay?). I shall call it my blogdom.

As for my free 1000th hit giveaway prize, the first person to come to and comment on my blog on this post will get a free link to their website on my side scrolling thing. Free of charge! Hooray! If you want to pay for a link up there, it's one dollar!

2004-04-01T17:44:00.000-05:00

On a scale of 1 to end, this week won't fucking end! End quicker week! I need summer already hahah.

I've lost all patience for the French. Those smelly cheese eating surrender monkeys are going down! They shipped my gun that I bought while I was in Parish, and you know what? It took 6 freakin' weeks to arrive and now it's broken. Those bastards are going down. And here is General Reed Branson's great war speech and plan:

April 1st is a day that shall live in infamy. Today, the French have committed war crimes against our fine home, the jolly old U.S. of We Don't Fuck Around. Hey Chirac, you pig, Do you know why we're called the jolly old U.S. of We Don't Fuck Around? It's cause we don't fuck around you bastard. You broke my replica fire arm, and in return, you shall die under the fire of my real firearm. So France, "You wanna play rough?! Alright, Say hello to my little friend."

Also, I declare war against Canada. I also shall take over the Bush administration in a Coup D'etat... Damnit did I just use a French phrase. Oh well, When I have control of the U.S., I'm going to train an elite fighting force of blind samurais (If you'd like to apply but you are not blind, I'll burn out your eyes if you wish). Then the Samurais will be deployed to kill all the dirty red communists and stinky "gun-breaking" French cheese-eating chocolate making. Well actually, the Belgians make chocolate. They shall die too!

[/rant]

2004-03-31T21:43:00.000-05:00

I hate when people say shit like "I'm so ugly and stupid" to get attention and sympathy! So I just tell them they are a waste of life and they should kill themselves and save oxygen for important people like me. Hopefully this will acheive two progressive events for the world.

1. All the bastards in the world go kill themselves.
2. I get more oxygen.. sweet sweet air. Mmmmm.

I've got a great capitalist venture on my mind... I forcefully take all the worlds water supply and food. Then when people want it, I won't give it to them for like 3 weeks. When people start dying, and they realize I ain't playing around, I'll sell food and water to people gradually in small quantities for lots of money. Then I'll let more people die, and people will get desperate. That's when I start chargin 100 bucks a roast chicken. When I become rich enough to buy a planet, I'll give the food and water back to the world. If you want to come on my planet, you have to give me a BJ. And by BJ I mean a blow job, not a Big Jew.

2004-03-28T16:54:00.000-05:00

So last night I saw "The Shining" and every time I went to the Bathroom I freaked out that I might see "Redrum" written on the wall when I looked into the mirror. Sarahs house was cool and very nice. Her sister was nicest ;) (just kidding Sarah :-P).

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Today I met the most peculiar individual. I went to the city and I there was a blind magician outisde my grandparents appartment and he was solliciting sex. His favorite trick was making people's virginity disappear. He must've been a shitty magician though, cause I'm pretty sure he didn't know how to get it back for the people. Oh well, sucks for them.

2004-03-26T16:47:00.000-05:00

Today was fucking beautiful. Tonight will be fucking beautiful. Life is Beautiful (good movie). Ahhhhh It's so nice out and I'm so happy like whoa. The weekend is here, It's spring, What could be better? Krispy Kreme's are better I guess... mmm. I'm going to be a vigilante. I'm going to dress up in a black suit of armor and sackwack all the villains in town. You can't be a successful vigilante unless you dress up black or have badass sounding names. Like The Punisher for instance. I shall name myself: "Stephen Baldwin." Some day the name Stephen Baldwin will place fear in the hearts of the wicked, and sexual attraction in the genitals of the innocent!

I want a boomerang. "I boom boom long time" - (FMJ). I just did a line of crushed chili peppers and now my face is bleeding.

Let that be a lesson to the children: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A snort of chili dust a day keeps the doctor... wait no, It makes your face bleed and you experiance excrutiating pain. Don't snort chili's you retard!"

2004-03-25T17:00:00.000-05:00

NEW T-SHIRT CAME TODAY! It's kickass and I will bust it out tommorow. I've got another novel coming out and I decided that I will let you have a sneak preview of it's introduction. It's called "Reed's Unnamed Project J.A.2":

"In the dark recess of his mind, Mr. Bergis pimp-smacked his ho."

Ok That's the preview, come back tommorow for another two sentances from my story! Now I actually have something serious to say. "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Seriously yo.

2004-03-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

New south park tonight...
Be it a good one and thou shalt be jubilant.
Be it an awesome one and thou shalt win 100 ducats.
Be it Kickass and thou shalt soil thyself.
Be it as good as last weeks and thou shalt eat a fetus.

Hooray! I hope it's as good as last weeks.

I've devised a plan. It's called eat an apple... GO TEAM GO!
Mission Complete ;)!

Ahh, I need to write something amusing to keep my fans interested (I have like 3 or 4 hardcore fans now, I'm gonna try for maybe 5 by the end of the week.) I've been writing a novel and I willl share some of it with you now.

"Johnny Quest and Race Dannon (Yes, the creator of the yogurt) were two space aliens with a lot to lose. Presently, they were in orbit around Alpha Illuminati II and they were being chased by the government for being jerkwads. The U.S. government then apprehended Johnny and Race and beat the crap out of them, then took them to a place called Wontons Mo's Gay. Then we killed them for being shitty. The end!"

And let that be a lesson, Don't fuck with the United States of Kick Your Ass.
Good story right?! As the Vandals once wisely said "I am the Ambassador, of kick your Assador." Hitler Bad, Vandals Good.